Visiting relatives with a SO in tow......

[singledad]

Ok. I'm going to try again.

First: On respect.

You say you respect your great-grandmother. But then you say:

she did nothing but hound me about everything.

Seriously? She didn't say one nice word to you, or share a story, or do anything fun? Was every word she said throughout every day a criticism against you? Really?

My whole point was my great grandmother bitches about everything under the sun, so if she bitches about this its not different than her bitching about everything else she bitches about.

What a very respectful thing to say

Ok, on to some advice:

And there is no keeping the peace.

You know, a fight can only last if there are two parties involved. One person can't fight on her own. Thus, the easiest way to keep the peace is to not fight back. Just say "yes, grandma", and walk away. Fight over. Peace restored.

I just wish there was a nice way to say to her, this is who I am I would appreciate not hearing remarks or huffs and puffs about everything as it stresses me out.

Why does it stress you out? Is it that important to you that she approves of everything about you? Is she not entitled to her opinion?

See - this is the problem, and this is also what I tried to explain to you before. She 92 - if your grandmother couldn't change her in 73 years, you're not going to do it in a few days. Accept it. Don't go around telling yourself she must... she mustn't... she should... she shouldn't... She wont - Full stop. So change what is in your power to change - your own response.

There will always be people in your life who will criticise you for the choices you make. (Wait till you become a parent, and get told at least once a week that you're screwing up your kid with what you're doing ) The fact of the matter is that everyone is entitled to their opinions, even if you don't agree with it. The sooner you master the art of shrugging off opinions about you that you don't agree with, the happier your life will be.

Would it be wrong of me to tell her if she says something, "that's not nice please don't make comments like that"?

You could try, but if she's anything the the other 90-something women I've known, it won't end well. At best, she'll ignore you. At worst, she'll say well don't dress like a tramp, then I won't make comments. (Not saying you dress like a tramp, but... well, I'm sure you get it.)

PS: What do you wear to work? A uniform? Or do you carry out your duties as a manageress, dressed in torn jeans and a tank-top?

 

[Mom2all]

There are nice ways to change conversations without calling her out. It sounds like there is not much conversation between you two that don't include her scolding you and you getting your feelings hurt. Try to change that part. She may just be like most older people... without much else left in life, her opinion and memories are all she has. She's going to voice them.

Give her something else to talk about. I still think you can tone down while your there and try harder to fit into their world while your visiting it. But here is an example of a real life Grandma conversation I've had.

"Kelly, your hair would be so pretty cut shorter and if you'd wear it down instead of in a pony tail all the time"
" I wish I had the face you had in that picture in there Grandma, then I might want my hair short. You were a hottie! How old were you? Is that when you met Granddaddy?"

You acknowledge what she said, turn the conversation around to give her something else to talk about, and chances are she'd enjoy talking about when she was younger. And YOU lost nothing but a little time.

Older people, just like children, need to feel important. Like we care what they think. And like Children are honest to the point of rudeness too, but we can't let that make us want to hurt them back. My 6 year old son said he liked laying with on me on the couch... because I was "fluffy"... deflating my self esteem to a human pillow. So... I took enjoyment I could still hold him while he feel asleep. My other child told me on several occasions that her best memory was when she'd fallen at the park and I was running to her... my boobs were flying in different directions...each one taking a turn covering her view of my entire face... That is not very flattering ether.. I like the fact she knows I ran to her when she needed me though.

Take her with a grain of salt. You said you visit about every 2 years. What good would come of you telling her she's not nice? Chances are, this could be your last chance to see her anyway.

 

[Mom2all]

<LEFT>

A poem that I had to share.. cause I think this is where most of us are headed.​

</LEFT>
<CENTER>

When I Am Old.

When I am an old woman I shall wear purple
With a red hat that doesn't go, and doesn't suit me,
And I shall spend my pension
on brandy and summer gloves
And satin sandals,
and say we've no money for butter.
I shall sit down on the pavement when I am tired,
And gobble up samples in shops and press alarm bells,
And run my stick along the public railings,
And make up for the sobriety of my youth.
I shall go out in my slippers in the rain
And pick the flowers in other people's gardens,
And learn to spit.
You can wear terrible shirts and grow more fat,
And eat three pounds of sausages at a go,
Or only bread and pickle for a week,
And hoard pens and pencils and beer mats
and things in boxes.
But now we must have clothes that keep us dry,
And pay our rent and not swear in the street,
And set a good example for the children.
We will have friends to dinner and read the papers.
But maybe I ought to practise a little now?
So people who know me
are not too shocked and surprised,
When suddenly I am old
and start to wear purple!

<I>Jenny Joseph</I>​

</CENTER>

 

[bssage]

Drum roll please brrrrrrrrrrrrrr i can't think of anything to add

I do think most of the great advice is out of concern for Great Grandma. As it should be.

 

[cybele]

My other child told me on several occasions that her best memory was when she'd fallen at the park and I was running to her... my boobs were flying in different directions...each one taking a turn covering her view of my entire face... That is not very flattering ether.. I like the fact she knows I ran to her when she needed me though.

I really need to stop browsing the forums when I am drinking coffee. :biglaugh:

 

[Mom2all]

Did I just really admit that??? :wideeyed:

 

[Cop2be]

Ok. I'm going to try again.

First: On respect.

You say you respect your great-grandmother. But then you say:


Seriously? She didn't say one nice word to you, or share a story, or do anything fun? Was every word she said throughout every day a criticism against you? Really?


What a very respectful thing to say

Ok, on to some advice:


You know, a fight can only last if there are two parties involved. One person can't fight on her own. Thus, the easiest way to keep the peace is to not fight back. Just say "yes, grandma", and walk away. Fight over. Peace restored.


Why does it stress you out? Is it that important to you that she approves of everything about you? Is she not entitled to her opinion?

See - this is the problem, and this is also what I tried to explain to you before. She 92 - if your grandmother couldn't change her in 73 years, you're not going to do it in a few days. Accept it. Don't go around telling yourself she must... she mustn't... she should... she shouldn't... She wont - Full stop. So change what is in your power to change - your own response.

There will always be people in your life who will criticise you for the choices you make. (Wait till you become a parent, and get told at least once a week that you're screwing up your kid with what you're doing ) The fact of the matter is that everyone is entitled to their opinions, even if you don't agree with it. The sooner you master the art of shrugging off opinions about you that you don't agree with, the happier your life will be.


You could try, but if she's anything the the other 90-something women I've known, it won't end well. At best, she'll ignore you. At worst, she'll say well don't dress like a tramp, then I won't make comments. (Not saying you dress like a tramp, but... well, I'm sure you get it.)

PS: What do you wear to work? A uniform? Or do you carry out your duties as a manageress, dressed in torn jeans and a tank-top?

I have never ever seen employees at clothing stores wear uniforms. Some have dress codes but the majority want you to wear their product.
At my store there is no dress code. Tank tops are fine, spaghetti straps are fine, flip flops are fine, she told me shorts are ok of any length as long as your ass isn't hanging out. I don't have to cover my tattoo and my nose stud is fine. Welcome to the retail world, I work somewhere that emphasizes style and fashion. The cuter you look the better. I work on Tuesday and I plan on wearing white denim shorts from American eagle, a hot pink tank top, and a grey of the shoulder top over it. With I think my chocolate brown flip flops.
So yes, we're allowed to wear ripped jeans and tank tops at work because that's what the environment calls for.

 

[Jeremy+3]

Why don't you just grow up?

I'm sorry but having to text your boyfriend throughout the night just because you are sleeping in separate rooms, you both sound as selfish and childish as each other.

All you ever do is play the poor little victim, you need to get a grip.

If you were staying in my house you would be going to bed when we are and getting up when we get up, because that is what any decent guest would do.

If free accommodation isn't good enough for you then pay your own way.

 

[Cop2be]

Why don't you just grow up?

I'm sorry but having to text your boyfriend throughout the night just because you are sleeping in separate rooms, you both sound as selfish and childish as each other.

All you ever do is play the poor little victim, you need to get a grip.

If you were staying in my house you would be going to bed when we are and getting up when we get up, because that is what any decent guest would do.

If free accommodation isn't good enough for you then pay your own way.

My great grandmother goes to bed around 7 and my grandmother would frequently stay up till midnight or later, so when do you go to bed in that situation?
My grandmother would sleep till 9 or 10am like I did. She said her mother says the same stuff to her and she's just learned to ignore it and told me to do the same.
And we're staying in the same room so it's not like that matters now.
I even mentioned staying in a hotel because I knew my great grandmother would get pissy about it. My grandmother told me no, stay here she'll get over it.

 

[cybele]

I don't even understand what the problem is any more.

There was never a problem with the initial issue, it may as well have been worded "I am going to my grandmother's house and she said it was cool if my boyfriend and I shared a bed, can we share a bed?" so it was a non-issue and a non-question.

The issue with your great grandmother, you have been given advice, you have chosen not to take anyone up on that advice, therefore, you have made your decision, clearly there is nothing anyone can say that will make you go "Sure that makes sense" because if you are not willing to change your actions towards her, then you can change nothing, there is no solution to your predicament if you are not willing to change it yourself.

In the end, I guess no one can really help you other than you, and you don't seem to want to do that, so, you're stuck.

 

[Cop2be]

I'll just tell her that my whole life she always told me to be nice and not say rude things to people and she should follow the advice she gave me.

 

[singledad]

Question: Why did you post this thread?

 

[Cop2be]

To get others opinions to help me make a decision.

Obviously I am not and cannot go buy new clothes and not going to go by religious morals when I am not religious.

I just have to simply ask her nicely to not make comments since I would never do anything like that to her.

 

[singledad]

Really?

You get opinions to help you make a decision, and then you decide to go with the one option that nobody recommended, and several people in fact recommended against...

You know, there is a lot of good advice in this thread that involves neither buying new clothes, nor telling off an old woman who is near the end of her life.

But I guess you're not ready to change your attitude.

Pity.

Anyway, we tried. Next time, perhaps ask your friends. They might be more likely to share your sentiments than a bunch of parents.

 

[Cop2be]

Really?

You get opinions to help you make a decision, and then you decide to go with the one option that nobody recommended, and several people in fact recommended against...

You know, there is a lot of good advice in this thread that involves neither buying new clothes, nor telling off an old woman who is near the end of her life.

But I guess you're not ready to change your attitude.

Pity.

Anyway, we tried. Next time, perhaps ask your friends. They might be more likely to share your sentiments than a bunch of parents.

I'm not going to "tell her off". I'm simply going to let her know she hurts my feelings when she does that stuff.

 

[Testing]

I don't care if she lives with her daughter.. your Grandmother.. its still her home. And in the same way you don't want her coming to visit your house and expressing her freedoms by removing her <I>Depends</I> and peeing on your couch, she doesn't want you making whoopee in hers. It's not too much to ask.

Made me laugh. And YES, this is just such basic courtesy that it is almost flabbergasting that you have to spell it out.

Can you imagine having thought this was ok at YOUR Grandma's house?

 

[Cop2be]

Made me laugh. And YES, this is just such basic courtesy that it is almost flabbergasting that you have to spell it out.

Can you imagine having thought this was ok at YOUR Grandma's house?

So if we were married it'd totally be ok.....but since we haven't paid for a piece of paper it's not??

But if the issue solely is if we have sex in their house or not then what would it matter if we shared a bed or not?

If the issue is sex, couldn't the appropriate request be "not in the house"?

So being married would make it ok?
Or would you expect a married couple to sleep apart as well?

Why does everyone assume that if two young people sleep in the same bed they'll have sex?
Sometimes we'll go a whole week with no sex, sometimes we just sleep, it's nice having a warm body to curl up with and to just have the comfort of your SO asleep next to you.

Silly stereotyping adults be silly.....

 

[Xero]

Meh, it's usually just implied that if you are sleeping in the same bed with a man that you are probably having sex, too. You can tell them you're not, but that doesn't mean they will believe it. They will probably just think that you're saying that to be polite. The point is that there's REALLY no way for them to actually know for sure. So if you're in there together, the "sex" thought is going to be there whether you like it or not. Not that I care, I don't see why you can't sleep together, and your grandma doesn't mind so whatever.

It's not really a stereotype, it's nature. And you don't have to be "young people" either lol. I mean, we're young, but older than you and have two kids, and honestly if I went a week without having sex with DH (assuming we had the opportunity), he'd be all butt hurt and confused. The point is, no matter who you are or what age you are, if you are in bed together it's just that easy to be having sex, and people are gonna think it.

 

[singledad]

So if we were married it'd totally be ok.....but since we haven't paid for a piece of paper it's not??

Well, for people of your great-grandmother's generation - yes, it does change everything, silly as it seems. My grandma was the same.

Remember that when they were young, divorce was also not socially acceptable, so with both divorce and sex outside of marriage being taboo, that meant one sexual partner for life. Which made sense back then, considering that they didn't have the birth control, condoms, etc that we have today. Whatever they had was rather primitive and not very effective, so multiple sexual partners was just very risky.

 

[cybele]

It's not really a stereotype, it's nature. And you don't have to be "young people" either lol. I mean, we're young, but older than you and have two kids, and honestly if I went a week without having sex with DH (assuming we had the opportunity), he'd be all butt hurt and confused. The point is, no matter who you are or what age you are, if you are in bed together it's just that easy to be having sex, and people are gonna think it.

Hehe, I'm 40 and my husband is 41, once a week is no where near enough for him, and that is how you end up with 5 kids even when you use contraception.

Silly stereotyping adults be silly.....

Silly stereotyping young folk be silly. Thinking we are prudes who never have sex. How do you think your generation came into existence exactly?