Andrew W. said:
Twelve month kids are talking, or a lot are. That is a year. They have often been walking for a while, at least along a wall. (Median age for walking independently is 14 months, but 9 months is well within normal.) They have been masturbating for a lot longer.
<http://pediatrics.aappublications.org/content/116/6/1427.full>:
...You know, I've actually read that before.
As for talking, she was at the "short phrases" stage when I got her. Our first conversation after I took her went like this:
"Sam, you're going to be living with me now."
"You da-ii now?" (She really did pronounce it that way at first. Hence why later she used that pronunciation when she was feeling cutesy.)
"Yes, I'm daddy now. And you're missing a couple of d's." (I know, I know.)
"Wha?"
"Daddy. It's pronounced daddy."
"Isad tat." (I'm trying to transcribe her mispronunciations.)
Sam is a profoundly disturbed individual. Some of her behavior borders on sociopathic, but I from what you say I don't think she is a sociopath. She is closer to being feral. I think she has been rewarded for her violent and antisocial behavior because the person closest to her is proud of her for it. You recognize it as a problem, but it is clear from your posts here that you are proud of her for it. I think it is also clear to her. You hate the world, and she has picked up on that. You wish you could get away with spitting in the face of the world, or a teacher. Because you approve, deep down, and she knows it, she has no motivation to change. The punishments she gets don't bother her. Whether she just doesn't care, or the rewards for her behaviors overwhelm them, I can't really say.
I don't hate the world, but I can't bring myself to be disappointed when she, for instance, breaks the nose of a teacher who calls her stupid and insults her intelligence and sexuality on a daily basis. I most especially can't bring myself to be disappointed when other kids hit her and she hits back harder. In fact, yes, I'm proud of her for defending herself so well.
She cuddles with you in bed because you allow her to, and you like it. On some level you don't want her to and recognize it as inappropriate, but on a more clearly communicated level you enjoy it and want it to continue, and you don't put a stop to it.
Well, as a mammal, I do certainly enjoy it to some extent. Also, as a mammal, so does she. That doesn't change her getting to old for it, and too big for my single bed. (I'm not exactly rolling in wealth over here.) That said, she doesn't sleep with me when she has friends over, then she bunks with them.
As for "putting a stop to it", I've gone so far as to lock her out of my bedroom and order (I'm terrible at giving orders, I hate telling people what to do) her to stay out, and she was still there in the morning. (That isn't really surprising, the lock on my door is awful and comes undone if you pull the handle up.) When I asked her what she was doing there, she said "I couldn't sleep, it was too cold." It was the middle of summer.
Whether she came up with the idea of her bisexuality herself doesn't matter. It could have even started with the teasing and bullying from older kids. But it is something that gets her approval from you.
Sexuality is inherent to the individual. While what parts of it are embraced and expressed may be determined by upbringing and society, no factor can add or remove any part of it. Humans are also bisexual by default, although obviously varying on extremity. Basically, on the Kinsey scale, 0 and 6 are bunk and people who think they're 0 or 6 are really 1 or 5 and are fooling themselves. Sam is about a 2, although the lack of homosexual females in this area probably swayed her towards the hetero side.
Being alone and picked on and fighting against the whole world gets her approval from you more than anything else does.
I prefer when she isn't fighting, really. I prefer when she handles things with her wits, rather than her fists. I remember a time when she shut down an assembly at her middle school by singing. The assembly was on the military, and was your typical recruitment propaganda. She started singing "Jars", soon a couple other kids joined in, and this snowballed. She got 200+ kids singing a protest song at a recruitment assembly and the soldiers stormed out. THAT made me proud. I let her know that in no uncertain terms.
So she doesn't avoid conflict, she seeks it.
Whether that's for my approval or her own satisfaction is up for debate.
She has probably always liked touching anything. Boy, girl, kitten, sofa upholstery, her genitals.
...That IS the human default, yes, what's your point?
She enjoys sex play with anybody, and has been allowed to act in ways beyond what is normally considered appropriate. Now at 12 and sexually aware she really is bisexual, and old enough to identify as such and understand what it means.
She met that criteria half a lifetime ago.
She is certainly disruptive to school, and probably shouldn't be in one.
1. This school is strongly homophobic, as are most of the faculty members and students. She's bisexual, they give her a hard time.
2. This school is strongly Christian. We are both atheists. They don't like us not believing in their god one bit.
3. This school is strongly conservative. While I'm libertarian at heart only, I know Sam is libertarian in all respects.
While I'm sure she'd still have some problems in a better school, she would have by far less because the sources of all her major conflicts would be removed.
That should be a reward for being able to govern one's behavior to a certain degree.
She CAN govern her own behaviour. What she can't govern is OTHER PEOPLE. She can't control the teachers who insult and belittle her, she can't control the students that harass and attack her, she can't control the administrators that turn a blind eye to it or punish her for fighting back. It's THIS school that she has problems with. I know this, because although imperfect as her behaviour was in her old district, she got into a grand total of one fist fight at that school, not counting the time she got jumped after hours.
She didn't hate her teachers there, at least not most of them, and her complaints then were mostly about the administrators. Her suspensions, even during the times she was in her mother's custody and (as I've heard) a little hellion, she still only got into trouble at school for backtalk and minor sexual interactions. ("Playing doctor.")
Think about moving if you find one outside your area.
Yeah, I'll get right on that with all that money I don't have.
Look especially at Sudbury schools (no authority except the students). I don't think Sam as she is right now could even fit into one of those, but she should approve of the idea.
There's no way that exists in the US.
You need to get her help to learn the things she hasn't learned--don't hit people, don't spit on people, respect people, and not just her.
Again, she's fine unless provoked. The other students provoke her, her teachers provoke her and the school admins provoke her. None of these things need be the case in another school district. If I had the money to move, I would move.
The two of you should probably be seeing someone together, because a lot of her problems arise from the dynamic with you.
No. I am not taking her to some dishonest mystic with a phony degree in a field that doesn't have enough evidence to even qualify as a pseudo-science to get her words twisted, a label slapped on her and bottle full of drugs pushed at us. It is NOT going to happen. Not now, not later, not EVER.
I am not saying she needs to learn that authority is good.
Oh, good. Because that would be a barefaced lie if I ever saw one.
But if she can't learn to pick her battles, dampen down her contempt so it isn't obvious all the time,
We need to move. That's really it. She can't "dampen down" her contempt in a school that makes no effort to "dampen down" its contempt for her.
Watch the remake of Battlestar Galactica with her, and pay special attention to Starbuck. Read and discuss some Tamora Pierce books with her, like the Song of the Lioness. There are some very strong (and violent and sexual) young female heros in Pierce's works, albeit in worlds where that is more acceptable than ours, and my daughter loves just about all of them. Encourage her to discover her own favorite books, then read and discuss them with her.
Yeah... somehow, I don't think fiction holds the key to solving our problems.
The one thing that seems to be good in all this is that you love her, and she knows it.
It would be very hard for her not to. As for good things, she is hyper-capable. That's a good thing if I ever saw one.
Now you just need to get over your hatred of the world enough for that to do her some good.
Again, I don't hate "the world." My hatred is more strictly confined, mostly to individuals and governments, and is a list of specific issues rather than general hatred.
cybele said:
I was questioning running, not masturbating.
As the guy who had to watch her in case she ran into a wall (which she did, frequently) and the guy who had to hold her arms to keep them above the waist while changing her, I can attest to both. (I think once I started trying to stop her that it became a game to her.)
I feel like I have fallen into sex world here, everyone has sex on the brain at the moment.
I'm <I>
trying</I> to keep my mind off it, if that makes you feel any better.