I cannot force myself to do it....

[Cop2be]

I am 19 and still live at home.
I am very fortunate to be living at home and not out on my own living life the hard way.
Yes, my mom keeps the roof over my head, she buys the groceries, pays for my cell phone which I have unlimited texting. She pays for cable, we have more than basic and she pays for my internet and I even have my own laptop which I can have in my room.

I should be VERY thankful, which I am.
I should be abiding by the rules she has set.


I CANNOT force myself to have to go by some of her rules.

I understand the cleaning ones. Those I am fine with.
Dishes, vaccuming, keeping my room clean, stuff for the pets. I am all fine with that.

However there are something I do not want to put up with any longer.

1. She says in order for me to have a myspace under her roof she has to be my friend. I feel like she is checking up on me. She looks through my friends list and questions me on who people are. And she reads my comments and the things people leave and then gets angry when people leave things that she doesn't approve of. I am 19 and its called myspace for a reason, I shouldn't feel like this. She should be a friend on there to be a friend not to check up on me like I am 16.
--I am internet savvy. I know how to be safe on the internet. I KNOW all my friends on myspace. That's not the issue. She just likes to know everything.--

2. She keeps trying to enforce a bedtime. She thinks that everyone should go to bed at the same time. First off, I am a night person. I don't get tired till about 1-2am. My body will not get tired until that time, unless I've doped myself up on melatonin, which is the bodies natural chemical that makes you tired, I have to take it to get to sleep earlier. It doesn't end there. She keeps trying to set a wake up time for me as well. --I am not allowed to sleep past 12pm-- I go to bed anywhere from 2am-5am and naturally I am going to sleep late. Plus my body requires atleast 9 hours of sleep.
I would understand if I had places to be or if I HAD to be up early but I don't and its ridiculous for me to get up early if I don't have to.

I cannot force myself to do this anymore. I don't like and it makes me unhappy and I have to live with being unhappy and that's not flying with me.

Her set rules right now are:
In bed and off the computer by 3am.
Curfew 1-2am
Up by 12pm
Have to be her friend on myspace.
She still tells me where I can and can't go. At this point if I have a ride of my own I should be able to go.
Tries to limit my internet time and put blocks on the internet.

Here is what I am willing to go to:
No set bedtime.
Curfew is fine, if I want to stay out later, I just tell her I am staying at a friends house..it works for me.
Up by 1pm and ready by 2pm
Stop hounding me about the comments my friends leave and who my friends are.
If I have a ride somewhere and am back by curfew doesn't matter where I go.
And no limiting the internet.

If I don't go by her rules, she tells me she is going to put a block on the internet from 3am-6am which I think is dumb. Or that she'll turn off my cell.
Which either one I can't deal with either.


I know I should be going by her rules whether I like it or not. I can't do it. I can't move out right now and I am not willing to put up with it while I am living at home...I just can't do it..no way. I honestly can't bring myself to live other than how I am wanting to live.


I need some advice. I know many of you are going to be against me.

But what can I do when I am completely unwilling to go by some of her rules because I think they are unreasonable at my age and can't move out and can't put up with it till I do?

 

[ElliottCarasDad]

hmmm, lets see...

her home
her cell phone bill
her internet
her rules (none of which seem unreasonable IMO)

I will add also that I left home at 17 during my senior year of high school because I didnt like the rules at my house.

 

[Dadu2004]

I really wish I could tell you what to do, but the fact is, it's HER house. Not yours. Time to move out.

 

[fallon]

sorry hun, you aren't going to hear what you want here...this is a Parenting forum, we're all parents here and none of what your mom is doing sounds crule. I hope everything works out for you but you've come to the wrong place to complain about your mom

 

[Father_0f_7]

OMG!!! Your living in HER house and you have RULES? A CURFEW?!?!?!?!?!?!

Sorry, but like fallon said, you arent gong to get any sympathy here. Her house her rules, dont like it? Get a Job and move out.

 

[meow_173]

Why would you come onto a parenting forum and start a thread like that?

 

[Cop2be]

Like I said the curfew I am fine with. I am fine with MOST her rules. Actually, I am fine with nearly all her rules and actually see the logic in most of them.

The curfew- She wants me home so I don't wake them up. I get that, I don't like being woken up either. Plus not much to do late at night.
The cleaning- no one likes messes and its only fair that I do my share.
Boys- No boys over in my room..I get that one too..I have a 14 year old brother in the house as well..

I respect those.

But what I can't respect is still being watched like a hawk, I haven't ever done anything to break her trust. I always let her know who I am with and where im going, what time I plan on being back. I text her periodically while i'm out and she doesn't even ask me to. Ive never snuck out...ever.

And the other one is being told when to go to bed and when to wake up.
I get curfew, I understand that and I am fine with it but as long as I am in the house -- what does it matter?--
She likes to go upstairs and relax around 10pm and fall asleep and she likes to get up early as well.
I am respectful of that when she goes upstairs I do aswell. When her lights go off, I shut my door and turn most my lights off and I get quiet and lay on my bed on my laptop. No music playing(unless I have headphones in), no tv on, no sound except for my fan. I don't get up and do things.


Why should I have to go to bed when she tells me to?
I am 19, I know its her house but if she can't even tell I am up what does it matter?

She only knows I am up because she knows its something I do and she'll check if I am. She has to check because she doesn't know for sure and if she'd just not check she'd be asleep and happy and I'd be happy.

I can't get to bed as early as she is wanting me too. Plain and simple. My body doesn't run how she is wanting it to run..

Why can't anyone offer any advice to help negotiate this?

 

[meow_173]

ok....so go and then wait until she's asleep. I mean common, use your teenage brain and think of some ways to stay up. We all did it.
Bottom line is its her house. If oyu don't like it then do something about it. Talk to her about it, or move out.

 

[Father_0f_7]

No one can help you negotiate it because 1. we dont know her side of the story and 2. you're wrong.

 

[Cop2be]

You know..nothing is good enough for her.

I just throughly cleaned the downstairs bathroom...where our 2 cats stay.
It always smells like poo and its usually dirty. I cleaned the mirror, the counters and I swept and mopped.

Meaning I had to take the litter box out and stick it in the garage till I can clean it...we are out of litter.

I just asked if I could give the cats a bath so they are clean as well and she told me not till she can get more litter from the store and she goes on telling me how I am "forcing" her to rush to the store now because the cats will poop on the floor and I can't put the dirty litter box back in there.

Basically I went out of my way to do something and she blames me for something.

Jeez

Everything is nag nag nag with her.
I graduated HS, I am a college student. I was in a program that if I made C's or higher I would get my money back. I got all my money back. Which she doesn't pay for BTW. I stay at home most the time. I go to the store for her. I don't beg her for money and constantly have crap bought for me like my younger brother does all the time. I don't stay out all hours of the night. I'm not slutty. I am an explorer with my towns police department and am going to police academy in august of next year.
You give my mom an inch and she takes a mile. Nothing is good enough for her..

I want to trust and to be able to stay up and choose my own bedtime at my age, is THAT so much to ask?

 

[Skyburning]

Honestly, stop whining or move out. It's her house and you aren't paying the bills she is.

 

[Cop2be]

oh shall I add what she just told me, ok I shall.

She tells me her friends kids who are my age were NEVER late to college. Oh my.
That when I FAIL police academy that I shouldn't come crying to her.
And that I need to change my look and she points out my current look which are my pjs...which is a tshirt and soccer shorts...I NEED something more "feminine". I need to grow up and stop wearing what I am wearing.
Oh no I don't wear longer shorts to because im uncomforatable in short ones...no I just do this for giggles.


NOTHING and I mean NOTHING is good enough for her.

She wants me to wear the clothes she thinks I should wear.
She wants me to be on time to college classes EVERY SINGLE TIME. No my passing my classes and getting high B's on all my english papers isn't good enough for her.
She wants me to live by this life she thinks is acceptable and unless I do I am this irresponsible, immature, no-life-ahead-of-her FAILURE.

She just basically told me that she doesn't like a thing about me, she has no reason to be proud of me and that I am going no where in life. She doesn't even hug me anymore or tell me loves me.


Ok so you guys may not like me and I may come off bratty but there are reasons to be proud of me, reasons to like me and I know for sure that she has no JUSTIFICATION in what she just told me.

To give a person ridiculous rules is one thing but to belittle them and strip them of any self confidence with only a few sentences and to make them cry is uncalled for...

I don't want to listen to her rules because I don't feel loved not even in the slightest bit. I don't feel cared for for the sake of caring..I think she just feels obligated to...like when they put down really sick animals..its not something you ever want to do but you feel like you should.

Sorry Im probably ranting but im hurt, I am really hurt and I have no one to turn to right now. I have feelings and they were just mauled, eaten, crapped out and trampled over.

 

[16th ave.]

let me get this straight. you don't work. you don't pay the bills or for the groceries. you have chores such as house work and you do it. I just bet there's alot whining going on while you are doing them. (your posts alone give me reason to be able to make that bet.)
&
you expect to be able to do what you want when you want. that reminds of somebody we all know: Every child that was ever born.
You may technically be an adult due to your age. But you are still your mother's child.
As the sole adult responsible for all those utilities and groceries that have to be taken care of your mother can and should set whatever boundaries she sees as reasonable. Until you pay for your share of things you actually have don't have many rights in that household.

I agree with everyone else here. Shut up and put up with the rules or move out. You have come to a parenting forum. None of us here are going to b&g about a mom who is actually doing her job as a parent. You should be thankful for the things she has given you. There are kids out there who are lucky to get a spoonful of rice once a day to fill their stomachs. Tons of kids in this world would be more than willing to trade places with you. There's so much worse to go through than having a curfew.

Were you in my house you would have already had a job that is paying for your complete share of things. If you didn't do that the case you'd be living on college campus with a part time job, in the millitary or have completely moved out and were not my responsibility anymore.

<SIZE size="125">Grow Up!</SIZE>

 

[Cop2be]

I was asked to by my grandmother and my mom to NOT work while in school. I have put applications in for a summer job and its looking promising.
I don't whine while doing chores, I listen to my head phones and get them done.
I don't want to do what I want when I want. I respect her rules, I just think Im too old to be told when to go to bed at night and when to wake up in the morning.
I want to be trusted by her more and not watched like some delinquint 16 year old.


When I have my job I am not listening to her when school starts back up..I am keeping it.
I will be paying for my part of the cell phone, internet and food, maybe some rent as well, if I can do it.



I have plans for myself.
I am going to police academy and then once I am settled into my job I am going to college on my days off for my bachelors degree in criminal justice.

 

[Father_0f_7]

I'm not going to try and help you anymore because it seems like all you're doing at this point is trying to get a rise out of everyone. I will however, reiterate my former posts.

Get a job....even if it is just a "piddley teenage job" and move out of HER house. plain and simple.

 

[Cop2be]

Im trying to get a rise out of anyone.
I want help, I want someone to intervene and stop the madness.

She is verbally, mentally, emotionally abusive and she trys to blackmail me.
She's told me before that she is a B!tch and she loves it and that she'll be the biggest B!tch i've ever seen and that i'll regret making her unhappy.

 

[Father_0f_7]

Sorry I lied, that wasnt my last post.

She wants me to be on time to college classes EVERY SINGLE TIME

Well since you dont have a real job, being on thime to classes every single time IS your job.

To give a person ridiculous rules is one thing but to belittle them and strip them of any self confidence with only a few sentences and to make them cry is uncalled for...

Yes it is, but you shouldnt be giving her any trouble at all, she's your mother, she gave birth to you. And neither I nor anyone else here are going to ridicule her especially when we only have one side of ther story. And her rules are not rediculous in the slightest.

 

[mom2many]

I do agree that it is her house and it is her rules..........BUT she does sound a little bit controlling, and if this is the case there isn't much you can do. Have you tried negotiating with her? Talkiing to her?

Sorry all my PF friends but I do think that some of her rules are stupid. I see what everyone is saying but he came to parents to learn how to deal with a parent, I am surprised we can't come up with better suggestions then "move out"...."Get a job" in todays economy jobs are hard to get, especially for teens where jobs for them are now going to people who are trying to raise families.

I have more to say but the littlest is teething (yes at almost 3) and I have to tend to him.

 

[16th ave.]

there is one other option. talk to your other relatives and get them to have a talk with your mom about this.

i still stand on what i said b4.

 

[IADad]

I don't think anybody here dislikes you....on the contrary why would we have taken any time to read and respond if we didn't want to try to help you out, but you really don't seem to want the help you've been given.

It seems to me that if your mom is guilty of anything it's perhaps that she hasn't prepared you for leaving home. I see our jobs are parents as being to best prepare our kids to be the best people they can be and part of them is preparing them to leave home when they are adults. She treats you like a kid and you allow yourself to be treated like a kid, so until you decide to change that, you're a kid, in her house. You want us to intervene? How? via email? No, you're going to have to take some initiative if you want this "maddness" to stop

I'd like to back up to the litter box story...are you telling me that the only resolution to the out of litter problem is for you to try to force her to go to the store to buy litter? I'd suggest you can shred some newspaper as a temporary fix (it's what the vet clnics use) or even some dirt from the back yard (I promise, kitty won't mind) oatmeal, potting soil...

I don't mean to be negative, but how in the hell are you going to be a cop in a year and a half? You can't figure out how to resolve your own domestic conflict, you can't figure out a "work-around" to filling a litter box. What are you going to do when you're presented with a problem that you haven't been specifically trained for? Text Somebody? Now, I probably don't know much about being a cop, but I've seen enough "Adam 12" and "CHiPs" to know you have to be able to think on your feet and come up with creative solutions. If I were your career counselor, I think I'd suggest that you live a little more life before becoming a cop, both for your sake and those you're supposed to protect.