In-laws (long)...

[jrrsmom]

It isn't a house without love because I do love him. If I didn't like I said before I would have packed up and left him a "Dear John" letter. I am giving him 4 weeks to make the appointment and that started Monday. I didn't tell him this because I shouldn't have to give him an ultimatum. He should want to go to better himself not just for us but for himself.

I'm confused, irritated and frustrated. I need a drink!

 

[Kaytee]

I htink he means more one sided love then no love. Not that your husband is physical with you, but many wives say they love tehri men even when they beat them. Thats just not the right type of love.

 

[jrrsmom]

Just wanted to do a little update...

We are still living together as of today. We are being very cordial to each other. He still hasn't made the appointment and he has 2 weeks from tomorrow. He doesn't know he's on a time limit so we'll see what happens when he doesn't make the appointment and I ask him to leave.

He made the comment yesterday he had no where to go but he didn't want to stay here if I left. So yeah...what the heck do I do there?

He also told our 11 month old daughter that just because mommy is going to kick him out and doesn't love him anymore doesn't mean he doesn't love her. I was PISSED. I picked up my dd and walked out of the room and told him when he was mature enough to not pull that crap he was more than welcome to come downstairs and spend time with her. Until then...stay the hell in bed.

I just don't know what to do. I want to go back to the therapist but she wanted to see him first and then wanted to see us together. Is 2 weeks long enough to basically say okay...you've not made the appointment so apparently you don't want to make things better?

He kept telling me last night that he's been "good." He had about 7 beers last night and when he drinks he's a pain in the arse. He doesn't help me with the baby which isn't any different than any other day I guess. He also just gets under my skin and EVERYTHING he does irritates me. When we got to the restaurant I had told my cousin that I wanted a glass of wine. This was before I knew he had already had 2 beers at her house. So I went up to the bar and he walked up behind me and asked what I was getting. I told him a glass of whine then he proceeded to order a beer. When it comes to me I WILL NOT drink if he's drinking. Even if it's only one beer. He on the other hand would have 4 being the designated driver.

I'm so frustrated and angry. There's been a couple times that I have thought about calling up to the police station when he goes to the Gas station to have them pick him up for DUI but I really can't afford that or deal with it. I just want something to wake him up and apparently me talking about leaving isn't doing it and me leaving 2 years ago didn't do it.

He doesn't drink every single night. He goes in spurts. He will drink like last night but he will have between 6-10 just depending on who he's with and what he's doing. Then he won't drink for a day or 2 and do that same thing. I don't know...maybe it's me and I'm just trying to put my thumb on him and control what he does.

**shrugs**

I need help!

 

[jenilouise]

(((HUGS))) He sounds like he is being really immature. I wish i knew what to say to make him take how you feel seriously.

 

[jrrsmom]

Yeah I have no idea anymore. I'm beginning to think there's no point in trying and I should just pack me and baby up and hit the road and not look back. Wash my hands of him.

 

[jrrsmom]

So I reminded him for the third time that he needed to make the appointment. He said it would do it today or tomorrow. Should I just give up and say screw it he's not going to make the appointment or what?

Any advice is appreciated.

Thanks!

 

[fallon]

honey, I totally know what you are going through. Look to your heart. Do you think he can change is ways? Do you think he even wants to? I can tell you your child will never be happy as long as you are unhappy...sometimes doing what's best for you and her means making choices that are really hard. You know what you need to do

 

[jrrsmom]

I'm just so lost. It doesn't help my mom passed away in October and I used to talk to her EVERY day about these things and she would always help me find my way. Now, I don't have that.

I look at my daughter every day and think about what she'll have to go through if I leave. Split holidays, visitation and crap like that. I know no one goes into their marriage thinking it's going to end but it's killing me even thinking about not having or seeing her everyday.

I really don't know what to do. My family is wonderful and they really try but you know it's just not the same as a mom.

I feel guilty because I've left before. I know he loves me and I do love him I just think that we suck as a married couple.

I want to go back or talk to the therapist to see what she thinks but she really didn't tell me what to do or when to call back. She just said she wanted to talk to him.

BAH! This sucks! I feel so stuck! :arghh:

 

[evilbrent]

my 2 cents:

family first.

put your family first.

put your daughter in the right environment. let your husband be a part of the family if he wants to be.

it's a good idea not telling him about the timeline - makes him (hopefully) a part of the solution.

Some things aren't meant to be.

MOST importantly: what's healthiest for YOU?

Is this how you wanted your life to turn out?

Life is better than this.

 

[jrrsmom]

This is not at all how I pictured my life. That's another thing...I feel like he's holding me back. I know I'm my own person but it's like I'm waiting for him.

 

[Kaytee]

if you are unable to talk to him about how you feel, maybe it is better for everyone that you leave and figure out what you want form life.
I know its tough, or I should say I can't imagine how tough this must be for you but you have to be strong and do what your head says not your heart

 

[jrrsmom]

I really don't want to leave. It would be so much easier for him to go but I'm not sure how to go about it.

And my daughter's birthday is coming up so I don't want it to be awkward.

 

[jrrsmom]

So I went back to the therapist alone yesterday. It had been 3 weeks and he still didn't make an appointment.

This is so hard.

 

[evilbrent]

I've never left a relationship before - but I would imagine that the logic would go:

1 - I'm leaving you. Our marriage has finished.
2 - We have to seperate now
3 - We have to do what's best for our child, so she should stay here in her own house with her own bedroom and all her things.
4 - the one of us who is with the child all the time should continue to be with the child.
5 - the one of us who isn't with the child needs to find somewhere else to stay


Either way, I don't envy your position. It sounds horrible.

 

[jrrsmom]

Yeah I had that conversation with him yesterday. Almost to a "T." He now is trying to make things better. "Whatever you want me to do I will do."

I'm not the easiest person to live with and I know this. I try to keep myself in check and not fly off the handle. I am really disappointed in how my marriage turned out. It's not fair to either one of us. I don't treat him with respect and that I think is from the disappointment I associate with him.

We bought a house 5 years ago. TONS of promises made none kept. Yeah...that's a major problem with me.

I'm stuck now. I don't want to just tell him "Get out." I don't' want this to be a horrible situation. I want to be cordial. I don't want anything from him. As far as I'm concerned he can see his daughter any time he wants. Not just "visitation." I would expect the same from him. I want to remain friends but I highly doubt it will happen.

We just aren't good married. That's pretty much what I've chalked it up to. Although, it may be me. I am female and we are some crazy ones.

 

[jenilouise]

Well I know how hard it is splitting your child time up as I do with my girls however it would have been worse in my case to stay. I hope he heard you now and that you have a chance to make it work but if it doesn't I am here and I know what you are going through. (((HUGS)))

 

[ntbuddy]

Dana's parents (Dad side as they're divorced) like me and her Mom hates me. For all the things wrong I would think they both would but her Dad's the best. Look for the best of the situation, which can be hard.

I've been verbally abusive and taking myself as priority rather than the family. I'm working on it and it's no where near easy. This week I went five days of being perfect and the other two as being a total jerk. Not intentionally but because I'm still working on it. I feel I've done well but the family feels different. My conclusion is today is a new day to make a longer try and being perfect. I know I will faulter but will continue to get back and take each day at a time rather than trying to do everything.

Yesterday I came to two conclusions I need to work on (1) forgiveness of the past and (2) to forget and not use peoples past mistakes against them (goes with part one).

Although my in-laws haven't been the wedge between us, it's been me, I know that you need to just take a step back and take one step at a time. You obviously care for each other as we do for us so just take it slow and be positive. I continue to put myself in their shoes to see what they're looking at.

 

[jrrsmom]

I pretty much told him the other night that I was done. I don't know what else to do. I've tried to get him to go to the therapist. He still hasn't went. He keeps telling me that he will go but yet still hasn't made an appointment. I know it would be just as easy for me to make the appointment for him but I guess I look at it as I bit the bullet and went by myself in the hopes of him going too.

He tells me I don't give him a chance. He's had 2 years basically. When I moved back in we had an agreement and that agreement has never been met.

 

[ntbuddy]

We're going to a counselor to help ourselves out. I'm the hard one to get along with. The key is if he's trying and you love each other you should try and make it work. People today I feel use divorce as too much of an excuse and as an "easy out".

I have Dana looking for a counselor so that she finds one she likes and I also work during normal business hours so it's harder but I told her I would find someone as well if she felt she wanted me to find one as I do want us to work.

It takes two and the effort you've put in is very important and also shows you do want it to work. You can't force him or make him change. If he is making strives to improve that should be seen as a positive sign. If he says things and doesn't follow through you may be right in it having to end. I would hate to say that but you need to choose what's most important for your child as well.

 

[jrrsmom]

I feel as if I've tried everything and I'm still no happier now (besides my child) than I was before.

Nothing has changed. Nothing has gotten better.

Who knows...I sure as hell don't.