In-laws (long)...

[jrrsmom]

I'm sure this has been talked about but I'm really torn.

My in-laws hate me. I mean HATE! The Grandfather has called me everything under the sun besides a white woman. The Dad has told me he wishes his son would wise up and leave. The Dad's wife has said that I cause all types of issues between the family. The only thing they agree on is that my child is a very good baby and they aren't sure if she's mine.

So here's a little background:

We have been married 6 years. I got married at 19 and the day before we got married The Grandfather asked me what I was going to do to financially support his grandson. My reply was we will support each other.

We were married for 4 1/2 years and I moved out due to his drinking and other issues we had. Well...my name was mud. We decided to try again and I moved back in and got pregnant 2 months later. It was rocky while I was pregnant and not always a walk in the park. Still isn't. I know every marriage has its rough spots but ours haven't really gotten better except for the fact that he doens't drink as much.

So here's where they got really crappy towards me. His brother got into a terrible car accident on Easter. Their mother who left when they were about 3 and 4 found out from my husband. She called me every day asking how the brother was. Now mind you...they have had contact with her and visitation since the day she left. She lives in WA so she flew here that next Saturday. The Wednesday before she got here EVERYONE called me chewing me a new you know what saying I was causing issues and "that woman" should not be even thinking about coming to see her son who ALMOST died. I had nothing to do with their mother coming to visit. My view is if the boys want their mother in their life so be it. She is one of the nicest people I have ever met in my life and would do anything for us.

I spoke to her and let her know what was going on with instructions from my husband. Yeah...big mistake I guess.

So...his brother pulled some crap the other night with me and after I got off the phone I told my husband that I was done with his family. That was the last time they were going to walk all over me and make me a doormat. I've tried as much as I humanly can. I'm tired of it.

What do I do? It's putting a wedge between us. They pretty much do the same thing to my husband and his excuse for not standing up to them is "they are my family." Family or not family people do not deserve the crap these people dish out. I really don't want my daughter knowing them because when she's old enough to realize them for who they are she will be very disappointed. But as far as them seeing her I don't say much because I will let her make her own decisions about them.

I think I need a therapist!

Sorry its so long!

 

[musicmom]

Your husband married and when he married you that made YOU come first. Having a child with him that made HER come first. So his order should be....wife, child, himself, then family. You are now his family. Would he allow your daughters husbands family treat her like crap? Would that be ok in his eyes? Sounds like he needs to wake up.
Take it as a lesson learned and stay out of their business. I don't talk to my husbands family because they all have their heads up their butts. (they are Doctors) I haven't lost anything. Let them argue with themselves.

 

[jrrsmom]

The more I try to stay out of their business the more I get pulled into it. I had washed my hands of them long before his brother got into the accident and I still got sucked into it.

I have this theory...

I don't need to create drama, drama finds me.

 

[fallon]

next time they try to pull you in remind them that that has caused you nothing but grief in the past and from now on you wish to stay out of anything that doesn't directly involve you, your child, or husband...I agree with everything Musicmom has said...let them have their drama

 

[Kaytee]

I agree with both of them as well. Your husband is the one that needs to be dealing with them. NOT YOU!!
I would struggly suggest all but not talking to them directly. If they call you, talk to them in a casual conversational tone, as soon as anything touchy is brought up tell them you have to go and hang up.

 

[jrrsmom]

So how do I make my dh realize he can't make these people happy? They like to be in their own misery and they are sucking him in.

I have told them many times...my life was fine before I met you and my life will be fine after I wash my hands of you.

I can't take it. It's really wearing me down when he pulls the whole "poor me" crap. I know that might sound heartless but I can't do it. I don't care if it is his family I got nothing for them. I tell him all the time his first priority is his daughter. He shouldn't be worried about anyone else but her.

Oy vey...I need a drink!


EDIT: He doesn't like confrontation so that's why I get thrown into the lion's den.

 

[Kaytee]

don't let him. You have to be firm and ANYTIME anything that would cause drama is brought up, excuse yourself. Tell them teh baby needs a diaper change, you need to use the restroom, if you are on the phone, the whole "OH NO, I GOTTA GO!!" and hang up, they will assume its the baby and let them.
I know its tough, well I can imagine how tough it is, but you have to just let thtem be and if your husband tells you to call them to tell them something, say "no, it's your family you call"

 

[jrrsmom]

I believe that's what I'm going to do.

So now what do I do about Christmas? I know they were upset that I didn't come for Thanksgiving but since this is the first holiday season without my mom, frankly I didn't feel like it. I really try to be cordial to them and not hateful but damn it, it's hard!

 

[Kaytee]

I bet it is hard. I would say if you don't want to go because of your mom, then you shouldn't. But if you do decide to go, just keep busy and make sure the baby is always near so that you can excuse yourself to go get her food, or change her diaper, or whateer. Bring extra diapes and tell them you are fighting diaper rash so you hav eo change her a lot lol

 

[musicmom]

I say don't go. Why bother ruining your holiday. Make a nice little dinner for you and your child and husband. Let him go over there for a few hours and come home to you.
As far as "making" him see anything you just can't. Because even though MY own family are jackholes, they are STILL my family. I can talk crap about them but my husband is not allowed. Yes it is double standards that you just have to resepect. Do your own thing. When he brings them up or their opinions just respectfully say "I am not interested, please drop this conversation. I will not entertain any of their opinions" and leave it at that.

 

[jrrsmom]

I will be going to my aunt's house for Christmas. That's where I went for Thanksgiving too. They adopted me.

I can't keep my mouth shut when it comes to them. Maybe that's my problem. They get under my skin and I can't stop bad mouthing them.

 

[musicmom]

I can't keep my mouth shut when it comes to them. Maybe that's my problem. They get under my skin and I can't stop bad mouthing them.

That could be the root of the problem right there. Sounds like you like to stir the pot.

 

[jrrsmom]

I don't bad mouth them ALL the time. Just when he brings them up and defends them for flaking out on him or taking their issues out on him.

 

[musicmom]

Hun... they came before you! It is not YOUR problem. Let him deal with it...unless you like it? Some people live for drama....some people stay out of it and let who's ever problem it is handle it. The choice is yours. You have a daughter to set an example for now. Do you............keep mouthing off or do you.......let's stay........mind your own business? (that's all I have for an opinion)

 

[fallon]

yeah...I would say the best answer would be to just ignore them completely...it really isn't fair to you husband to hear you bad mouth them all the time. Save it for your friends, tell them everything you hate about his family, but for the sake of your daughter and your husband I would say be the bigger women and avoid the drama with them. They are his to deal with but remember they are HIS family and no matter what I'm sure loves them

 

[jrrsmom]

Yeah I could keep my opinion to myself when I'm around him. And you're right musicmom...I don't want to set a bad example for my daughter. I want her to have more patience than me. I want her to be a better person than my husband and me. It just gets frustrating.

Thank you for the help.

 

[evilbrent]

don't let him. You have to be firm and ANYTIME anything that would cause drama is brought up, excuse yourself. Tell them teh baby needs a diaper change, you need to use the restroom, if you are on the phone, the whole "OH NO, I GOTTA GO!!" and hang up, they will assume its the baby and let them.
I know its tough, well I can imagine how tough it is, but you have to just let thtem be and if your husband tells you to call them to tell them something, say "no, it's your family you call"

no no

any time there's drama just say "Sorry. I'm not interested in having this conversation any more. Bye bye." Then hang up politely.

No need to pull stunts and be dishonest.

I've never really had it happen to me - but I believe that the only guilt that others can make you feel is the guilt you let happen. If people are talking to you, in your own house, in a way you don't want them to, invite them to smarten up or leave. If people are talking to you, on your own phone, in a way you don't want them to, invite them to change their tone or finish the conversation.

I agree. Your husband should be on your side. He should be the barrier between his family's rudeness and you. He should set his family straight.

 

[greenbaymom]

I constantly feel like my in-laws dislike me. They told my husband that I don't do anything since I stay at home with the kids to avoid daycare costs and keep the house up.

 

[evilbrent]

I constantly feel like my in-laws dislike me. They told my husband that I don't do anything since I stay at home with the kids to avoid daycare costs and keep the house up.

uh hulLO... you do EVERYTHING... because you stay at home with the kids to avoid daycare costs and keep the house up.

Of course... the _biggest_ daycare costs are those to the children - be sure to remind your in-laws of that.

 

[jrrsmom]

We have come to the agreement his family is not something we will discuss. I will also not be associating with them. If they call he answers the phone. The only way I will speak to them is if it is an emergency.

There will be NO MORE helping his brother. None whatsoever. That boy needs to grow up but that's a whole other story.

I guess I should say that his Mom is wonderful. I have never had a problem with her. God love that woman!