In-laws (long)...

[jrrsmom]

**BUMP**

Ohhhh! We had Jordyn's first birthday party today. It went fantastic. Except...guess who DIDN'T show up?

His family! Not...a...single...one.

I got a RSVP from one of his aunts and they never showed up.

His grandmother called and said her Dr. told her to stay away from large crowds (she is very ill and I'm not holding it against her).

His dad said the weather was too bad yesterday even though the party was TODAY. He's the whole reason I had it on a Saturday. When they want us to come down if we even mention the weather they tell us it's an excuse.

Anyways, that's the SECOND time they haven't showed up for something for my kid. I'm done. They can all f**king piss off.
I will NEVER send them an invite to another thing. If Mr. Wonderful wants to send them an invite whatever but I'm not doing it.

P.S. The party was fantastic thanks to MY family. I can ALWAYS count on them.

 

[Kim]

I feel for you! Except for when we do things, it is always MY family that doesn't show. for some reason everyone is always too busy.

Even at our wedding, which we did have an out of town wedding, but still. Only my parents, siblings, and best friend came. ALL of his aunts/uncles/grandparents came.

And my husband is not even my daughter's father, but more of his family comes to like birthdays and stuff.

So I do totally know how you feel - it is hurtful when people who are supposed to love and care about your child don't show their love and support.

 

[jrrsmom]

I'm serious. I'm not doing it anymore. I go out of my way for those people and they shit on me every chance they get.

Screw 'em. I've washed my hands of them. The only one that I can honestly say hasn't shit on me is his grandmother and she doesn't have very much longer to go.

But the rest...yeah...don't bother sending me an invite to anything cause I'm not doing it anymore.

The aunt that was supposed to come was the FIRST person to RSVP. She never called, nothing. I have done a TON for her. Before I had Jordyn I would take all 3 of her kids to the park behind my house, to the pool, and tons of other things.

I know I'm upset right now and blowing off steam but I can't do this "turn the other cheek" crap anymore.

 

[Kim]

Are you and hubby getting along any better?

 

[jrrsmom]

Nope! I have told him 3 times to "Please" move out. He hasn't. The other day he told me he was going to blow his head off because it would make everything better.

I have no sympathy or empathy for people like that. I watched my mother die in October who wanted to live.

Suicide is crap.

So we got into a big huge fight and he was supposed to move out last Sunday and all of the sudden got sick. So, since her party was today I've pretty much avoided the subject all week.

 

[BethInAK]

I know I'm upset right now and blowing off steam but I can't do this "turn the other cheek" crap anymore.

I only wish mikes family wouldn't show up. Seriously.

It is horrible that we have to marry our partners and their families.

I think its perfectly ok for you to throw a party that is for your family to celebrate your childs birthday and to let your husband throw a party for his family to celebrate your childs birthday. You know what I mean?

i've decided that there are no more family birthday parties for my son, just a kiddie party. Grandparents and children (my great nephew is older than my son by 2 years -gives you an idea of my husbands family - but hes the only one) are welcome but I'm not inviting his brother and nephews and all of their baggage.

 

[BethInAK]

I just read your original message about the inlaws. If your husband spoke to his mother and told her about his brother, then its also he that needs to stick up for you when the family comes down on you.

I'm not in favor of wives making their husbands choose between their families and them, but this is different - this is him allowing you to take the fall for something he did.


But do your best to tolerate or ignore. Ignore sounds easier.

 

[jrrsmom]

I know it wouldn't make things better but sometimes I wish he would tell his family that them not showing up just shows they don't' care about Jordyn. Or it seems that way.

 

[yulia]

Happy birthday to your little one!!!

 

[EHB]

I will repeat here what a very good psychiatrist friend of mine once said:

"If you don't like being in the middle, step out of it."

It's a lot easier for his family to focus on you as the problem so that they don't have to deal with their very obvious family dysfunction. They have someone to blame. Give up your need to control these relationships on your husband's behalf. When they come to you or stick you in the middle, you can listen and say, "I'm sorry, but this is between you and <family member>, please leave me out of it," and then walk away. Stick to your guns.

Sounds to me as though the entire family might have benefited from some family counseling years ago. You are not the person who can fix this for them.

Besides, don't you have a beautiful daughter who needs a sane mother? You could also say, "I'm sorry, but Jordyn needs me right now. Will you please take this up with <family member>."

This really does work and it is vitally important to your wellbeing and the future success of your marriage.

 

[evilbrent]

it takes more than blood to be family.

screw em. it totally doesn't sound like they're worth it.

I'm being flippant with a horrible subject here - but does your husband have life insurance?? .............. because threatening to kill yourself is so far beyond an acceptable thing to do - to put that weight on another person: that's rude rude rude.

 

[jrrsmom]

I have stepped out of being in the middle. I do not answer my phone when they call. I let them leave a message. Then I let Mr. Wonderful call them back and talk to them. I haven't been to see his grandparents since Christmas. We were over there for maybe 45 minutes.

I kept to myself and kept Jordyn close. She didn't want anything to do with anyone and then his dad tried to tell me I hold her too much. No...she NEVER sees you and has no idea who the hell you are.

My family is always there. They always seem to pick up the slack. I love my family. They rock!

 

[jrrsmom]

it takes more than blood to be family.

screw em. it totally doesn't sound like they're worth it.

I'm being flippant with a horrible subject here - but does your husband have life insurance?? .............. because threatening to kill yourself is so far beyond an acceptable thing to do - to put that weight on another person: that's rude rude rude.

We both have life insurance but most don't cover suicide.

He was doing it to get attention which back fired. I told him to go ahead if he felt that was what he needed to do. Just make sure it was outside. I also told him that when the time came to explaining to our daughter why Daddy wasn't around anymore I said I would tell her because Daddy was a pansy and couldn't handle life so he gave up the easy way.

I have no time for that sh*t.

 

[FionnaK]

You should not have to put up with treatment like that. We do tend to put up with more when it is our own family (I know I do). So that explains why your husband puts up with it. It is totally unfair of him to expect you to do the same. If they won't stop being so stupid, then the compromise is that you want nothing to do with them and he needs to respect that. Ideally he would tell them to shove it if they won't treat you like a human being, but that might not happen. Some people just don't have enough balls for that. If it were me I wouldn't talk to them, nor visit them, and they would not be welcome in my home. Period. If he wants to call them, visit them, or meet them somewhere, well fine. That is his thing. I know he would love it if you all just got along. He isn't doing squat to help the situation so he should be on his own with that one.

And anyway, from what you say here it seems your relationship with him isn't so great either. I think a therapist WOULD help.

 

[jrrsmom]

I've been seeing a therapist.

 

[BethInAK]

sometimes when family sucks, and is unpleasable, the kids spend their whole lives trying to please the unpleasable family. This sounds like what your husband is doing.

I think not going to their celebrations is fine - if your husband wants to go he's welcome. And I think not inviting them to your celebrations is fine too .

 

[evilbrent]

I have stepped out of being in the middle. I do not answer my phone when they call. I let them leave a message. Then I let Mr. Wonderful call them back and talk to them. I haven't been to see his grandparents since Christmas. We were over there for maybe 45 minutes.

I kept to myself and kept Jordyn close. She didn't want anything to do with anyone and then his dad tried to tell me I hold her too much. No...she NEVER sees you and has no idea who the hell you are.

My family is always there. They always seem to pick up the slack. I love my family. They rock!

well done.

fwiw there's a difference between stepping out of the middle and ignoring people. they're so passive aggressive themselves, they might think that you're giving them the 'silent treatment'. make sure they know that you've disengaged from them, not just saying "talk to the hand".

 

[Shoelover12]

Okay, I am new so this is my first time replying to anyone.
I want to start by saying "I know EXACTLY how you feel". I have been with my husband for 14 years and believe me when I say NOTHING will ever change. My husband's family is 10 times worse than what you are describing. I have learned to just stay away from them. During holidays I just make sure that my kids are the ones sitting by me and if any discussions start that might end bad, I just excuse myself to the restroom or something. It has made my life so much easier. I have caller ID so if they call, I don't answer it. If my husband is on the phone with his mother, I just leave the room so I don't have to hear it. If they invite us somewhere I just pretend I am sick. It may sound ridiculous but it has improved my marriage more than words can say.

 

[Ari2]

He was doing it to get attention which back fired. I told him to go ahead if he felt that was what he needed to do. Just make sure it was outside. I also told him that when the time came to explaining to our daughter why Daddy wasn't around anymore I said I would tell her because Daddy was a pansy and couldn't handle life so he gave up the easy way.

I have no time for that sh*t.

I realize you are frustrated and in a bad situation, but I hope you are careful about this. He's the father of your child and if he did actually kill himself it would be damaging to her. Maybe that time he just wanted attention and wasn't serious, but most people who actually do kill themselves talk about it others beforehand. And people can change from just thinking about suicide and makes weak threats to deciding they will make a serious attempt. Obviously, this would be horrible for you and your child if he succeeded.

I also wouldn't characterize people who kill themselves as pansies. Most often, they are depressed or otherwise seriously mentally ill and are in tremendous mental pain. I don't agree with suicide either, and I have had an immediate family member threaten and attempt suicide several times. This person annoys me to no end, but I know she would not live this way if she could change.