Cleaning it up and then not letting them sleep in... wait that might have been a punishment for mom but cleaning it all up would have been a good solution. See what happens when you get some sleep LOL!!
My wife won't stop hitting my son :-(...
- Thread starter FooserX
- Start date
I have a parenting book, but its from the 70's and its kinda weird. It says tv ratings don't matter and a few other things that i thought were weird (but can't think of at this time).
Its funny that i didn't think of making him clean it! I was so tired. Plus it was a huge mess, I really didn't even think he'd clean it, but he did. He sat on that kitchen floor for hours and filled 2 garbage bags!
Money isn't usually so tight, we're just young, dumb and wasteful. At Christmas we didn't pay any bills and so they were all waiting for us January 1st. Being a military family we pay no rent or utilities. We have a few bills(car, credit card, cable/internet, cell phones, car insurance, personal loan, food), but we aren't broke. Food is our biggest expense and even that would be a LOT cheaper if we'd just go to WIC. We had $60 between us to last to til the 15th, it has to go to gas and now food.
A dog is not that expensive to maintain, it might mean less ordering pizza and dinners at McDonalds, but I can live without those things. I was poor as hell growing up, I'm just now realizing we're middle class now, we aren't a dirt poor family struggling to pay bills.....and in September we're moving to Spain! How cool is that!? I should have married my husband years ago when he wanted to, but my dumb ass thought marriage would ruin things.
Anyway, now I know that having him clean the mess would have been better than the spanking...if only my husbands phone hadn't died he could've suggested that.
Another reason I had wanted to take you guys' advice was because I thought about everyone I know and how they were raised...the spanked ones almost always turned out to be violent, selfish and stupid...the non-spanked ones are more friendly, intelligent and honest.
My friends who don't spank have better behaved kids than my friends who do. My son, my 3 year old, is the sweetest little brat I know, lol. I mean, he gets into things and he sometimes hits his brother, but he's so cuddly and affectionate and cute.
We'll look back at this and laugh someday, I know it. Now I wish I had taken pictures.
Its funny that i didn't think of making him clean it! I was so tired. Plus it was a huge mess, I really didn't even think he'd clean it, but he did. He sat on that kitchen floor for hours and filled 2 garbage bags!
Money isn't usually so tight, we're just young, dumb and wasteful. At Christmas we didn't pay any bills and so they were all waiting for us January 1st. Being a military family we pay no rent or utilities. We have a few bills(car, credit card, cable/internet, cell phones, car insurance, personal loan, food), but we aren't broke. Food is our biggest expense and even that would be a LOT cheaper if we'd just go to WIC. We had $60 between us to last to til the 15th, it has to go to gas and now food.
A dog is not that expensive to maintain, it might mean less ordering pizza and dinners at McDonalds, but I can live without those things. I was poor as hell growing up, I'm just now realizing we're middle class now, we aren't a dirt poor family struggling to pay bills.....and in September we're moving to Spain! How cool is that!? I should have married my husband years ago when he wanted to, but my dumb ass thought marriage would ruin things.
Anyway, now I know that having him clean the mess would have been better than the spanking...if only my husbands phone hadn't died he could've suggested that.
Another reason I had wanted to take you guys' advice was because I thought about everyone I know and how they were raised...the spanked ones almost always turned out to be violent, selfish and stupid...the non-spanked ones are more friendly, intelligent and honest.
My friends who don't spank have better behaved kids than my friends who do. My son, my 3 year old, is the sweetest little brat I know, lol. I mean, he gets into things and he sometimes hits his brother, but he's so cuddly and affectionate and cute.
We'll look back at this and laugh someday, I know it. Now I wish I had taken pictures.
Ok, *takes big deep breath*
It's very late, and I kept thinking I'd get to the last page...was so hooked I kept reading. Now, I'll try to post some of the thoughts that ran through my head as I went...
to the original poster: Many good suggestions have been made and many more are to be found free on the net. The most important things to me immediately is NOW is the time for the hitting for ANY reason and ANY time to stop. Shaken baby syndrome and many toddler's deaths are so horrifyingly common for just this reason. Your wife is likely not mentally ill, she just has no control over her reactions to frustration. This is unacceptable in any parent. The very next time she hits "may" be the time it kills him. When your calming and observing influence is not present, it's very likely she has alot less restraint. Even if her abuse never reaches physically dangerous levels, the emotional abuse to a child that is being treated with violence by the one person in the world they should be able to trust most; warrants your protection.
You have reached out to the wonderful parents here because you know how important it is for you to PROTECT YOUR SON even when it's from your spouse. That said, unless you have a very unusual relationship with your wife, she will not be able to let you help her with this quite yet. The control she needs will only come with great concentration on her part and assistance via book, counselor etc.
If it was me in your place: With great understanding, but firm resolve, I would assure my spouse was never left alone with my child/children until they have gotten control of their reactions.
Any parent who cannot control the violent tendencies we all experience as caregivers of children, should just plain and simple not be in sole charge of one. Ever.
Your wife needs the help, whatever form that is available, to at least control herself enough to WALK AWAY. It sounds like she knows herself that she is behaving in an unacceptable way. She is simply reacting. She can learn to react differently.
You are not alone; I wish you success, and hope you continue to reach out to the support to be found here. ((((HUG))))
My thoughts on the other subthread here: Regarding the dangers kids can get into once they become mobile, the messes they can make, the monetary damage they can do.
ALL caretakers of children experience the same frustrations - almost any toddler is capable of and has probably been the manufacturer of similar disasters [~{if they are allowed to}]~
Granted it is much more difficult for single or inexperienced parents to learn how to avoid most misshaps and dangers toward toddlers. (Who are often too young to be "taught" not to do or how to do much of anything.)
There are whole websites and books written almost entirely on the subject of "Baby proofing". Simply put, you must always always always be watching the child. If you cannot keep your eye on the child for even a moment, (especially when you have 3 or 4 it's darn near impossible) then 1: take them with you
2: secure them in an area where there is nothing at all they can hurt themselves with or damage. (boy does it take imagination to figure those things out!)
This would include either making sure their bedroom door was on the other side of a baby gate or some such things for when parents must sleep, but still be able to hear sounds coming from their room.
3: if possible enlist the aid of an older child (teaches original responsibility)if they are judged to be capable at the time and in their immediate surroundings.
4: Or enlist the aid of an older adult.
Truly when you are alone with multiple children this can seem impossible. I'm sure others here will have many suggestions and ideas. We should start a new thread maybe.
It is not impossible if you are diligent and enlist the many tips and tricks available.
The things described (done by toddlers who don't yet know better let alone have the ability to control their responses or reactions) in the previous posts, would not have happened if the child wasn't left alone or unattended or unsecured. Even in 3 seconds disaster can happen, or your child can be killed or lost etc. That is hard to believe and harder to stick to no matter what, but you CANNOT LET A SMALL CHILD OUT OF YOUR SIGHT AND CARE FOR EVEN ONE SECOND.
It is actually very affirming for me to see parents who care enough to learn to be better parents. No one can say they are an expert, or the only ones who know the "right" way to raise a child. This is the hardest job ever to exist. But if you care, and try to better yourself, and try to support others like you, BE PROUD! And hug each other alot!
(((HUG)))
~ Shacoya<EMOJI seq="1f604">:smile:</EMOJI>
It's very late, and I kept thinking I'd get to the last page...was so hooked I kept reading. Now, I'll try to post some of the thoughts that ran through my head as I went...
to the original poster: Many good suggestions have been made and many more are to be found free on the net. The most important things to me immediately is NOW is the time for the hitting for ANY reason and ANY time to stop. Shaken baby syndrome and many toddler's deaths are so horrifyingly common for just this reason. Your wife is likely not mentally ill, she just has no control over her reactions to frustration. This is unacceptable in any parent. The very next time she hits "may" be the time it kills him. When your calming and observing influence is not present, it's very likely she has alot less restraint. Even if her abuse never reaches physically dangerous levels, the emotional abuse to a child that is being treated with violence by the one person in the world they should be able to trust most; warrants your protection.
You have reached out to the wonderful parents here because you know how important it is for you to PROTECT YOUR SON even when it's from your spouse. That said, unless you have a very unusual relationship with your wife, she will not be able to let you help her with this quite yet. The control she needs will only come with great concentration on her part and assistance via book, counselor etc.
If it was me in your place: With great understanding, but firm resolve, I would assure my spouse was never left alone with my child/children until they have gotten control of their reactions.
Any parent who cannot control the violent tendencies we all experience as caregivers of children, should just plain and simple not be in sole charge of one. Ever.
Your wife needs the help, whatever form that is available, to at least control herself enough to WALK AWAY. It sounds like she knows herself that she is behaving in an unacceptable way. She is simply reacting. She can learn to react differently.
You are not alone; I wish you success, and hope you continue to reach out to the support to be found here. ((((HUG))))
My thoughts on the other subthread here: Regarding the dangers kids can get into once they become mobile, the messes they can make, the monetary damage they can do.
ALL caretakers of children experience the same frustrations - almost any toddler is capable of and has probably been the manufacturer of similar disasters [~{if they are allowed to}]~
Granted it is much more difficult for single or inexperienced parents to learn how to avoid most misshaps and dangers toward toddlers. (Who are often too young to be "taught" not to do or how to do much of anything.)
There are whole websites and books written almost entirely on the subject of "Baby proofing". Simply put, you must always always always be watching the child. If you cannot keep your eye on the child for even a moment, (especially when you have 3 or 4 it's darn near impossible) then 1: take them with you
2: secure them in an area where there is nothing at all they can hurt themselves with or damage. (boy does it take imagination to figure those things out!)
This would include either making sure their bedroom door was on the other side of a baby gate or some such things for when parents must sleep, but still be able to hear sounds coming from their room.
3: if possible enlist the aid of an older child (teaches original responsibility)if they are judged to be capable at the time and in their immediate surroundings.
4: Or enlist the aid of an older adult.
Truly when you are alone with multiple children this can seem impossible. I'm sure others here will have many suggestions and ideas. We should start a new thread maybe.
It is not impossible if you are diligent and enlist the many tips and tricks available.
The things described (done by toddlers who don't yet know better let alone have the ability to control their responses or reactions) in the previous posts, would not have happened if the child wasn't left alone or unattended or unsecured. Even in 3 seconds disaster can happen, or your child can be killed or lost etc. That is hard to believe and harder to stick to no matter what, but you CANNOT LET A SMALL CHILD OUT OF YOUR SIGHT AND CARE FOR EVEN ONE SECOND.
It is actually very affirming for me to see parents who care enough to learn to be better parents. No one can say they are an expert, or the only ones who know the "right" way to raise a child. This is the hardest job ever to exist. But if you care, and try to better yourself, and try to support others like you, BE PROUD! And hug each other alot!
(((HUG)))
~ Shacoya<EMOJI seq="1f604">:smile:</EMOJI>
shacoya - hi.
slow down there - the original poster isn't (I think) talking about physical abuse so much as smacking. There's a big difference, although I agree with you that there's never a good reason to hit anyone, let alone a child.
Also - the incident with the food happened at 3am: you have to sleep some time.
slow down there - the original poster isn't (I think) talking about physical abuse so much as smacking. There's a big difference, although I agree with you that there's never a good reason to hit anyone, let alone a child.
Also - the incident with the food happened at 3am: you have to sleep some time.
What are you going to do with the dog when you move to Spain? I really doubt your going to want to take it with you. I also doubt you will find housing that will allow it.veronicadavis said:
<I>the spanked ones almost always turned out to be violent, selfish and stupid...</I>
DH and I, and all our siblings, were all slapped and spanked often as children, and none of us are violent, selfish or stupid. Spanking alone isn't the key factor.
I have to agree that bringing a dog into the family would not be a wise decision at this point. You are already overwhelmed with parenting. Adding a dog would only make things more challenging.
Concerning the night fiasco... I think frig and cupboard locks would be a good idea. Even if your kids are able to undo them, it would buy more time before another disaster. Also, our kids had gates on their bedroom doors until they were 4. We did this for safety reasons. Not only were we unable to put a gate at the top of the stairway due to the set up, but we did not want the kids wandering the house unbeknownst to us while sleeping. We also continued to use baby monitors so we could hear what was going on in their rooms.
DH and I, and all our siblings, were all slapped and spanked often as children, and none of us are violent, selfish or stupid. Spanking alone isn't the key factor.
I have to agree that bringing a dog into the family would not be a wise decision at this point. You are already overwhelmed with parenting. Adding a dog would only make things more challenging.
Concerning the night fiasco... I think frig and cupboard locks would be a good idea. Even if your kids are able to undo them, it would buy more time before another disaster. Also, our kids had gates on their bedroom doors until they were 4. We did this for safety reasons. Not only were we unable to put a gate at the top of the stairway due to the set up, but we did not want the kids wandering the house unbeknownst to us while sleeping. We also continued to use baby monitors so we could hear what was going on in their rooms.
I may consider putting a gate on my dd's room at some point. We are upstairs and her room is at the top of the stiairs. but when we made the transition of her in a twin bed, it was no probs! Now when she wakes up at night (almost every night still) she either calls me or comes in my room. I don't mind either. But when she is 3, she may decide its time to go downstairs, then I wold do the gate thing
Kaytee, she may decide to wander before 3. My nephew (25 mos.), recently transitioned from a crib to a bed. He has already wandered out of his room at night. My BIL put a gate up in the hallway. Although he's still able to go into Mom & Dad's room, he's not able to go downstairs and explore the rest of the house.
I spank my kids only if they talk back or when they severely misbehave. Otherwise I try to avoid it as much as possible because I remember how my father would use any and every opportunity the spank us. He never beat us, but it was still scary that any bad move you make could result in a fierce spanking.
~Malcolm~
E.sak Attorney</SIZE>[/URL]
~Malcolm~
E.sak Attorney</SIZE>[/URL]
btw, I didn't mean "stupid" it was a poor choice of words, I was tired. I meant to say the life choices they make are often very poor (which might not sound better, idk, still tired)...like drugs, they're all into drugs, drinking, been to jail, etc. I realize that not EVERYONE who gets hit turns out that way, but I have noticed the trend. I still think a lack of energy and patience can make a mother lash out at her child. When I exercise, I am happier and do better with the kids naturally, but some days I'm so tired and its hard NOT to do it....but I'm getting better at talking to my daughter and helping her to calm herself down...as for my toddler, well, he's just going to take time. And plenty of extra attention. Also, we'll be getting something for his door knob so he can't open the door....the gates don't hold him and he's too smart for most everything else we've tried. He really is a sweet boy though, ha, he'd be just fine if we had a live in maid to help me with the housework...that way, I wouldn't feel so stressed out and overwhelmed and I'd probably have much more patience. My husband has been a lot more helpful lately and its made me happier, which has helped a lot (he's no live-in maid, lol, but he's still pretty great)
Oh hey, rub your wifes back, show her she's loved and appreciated and maybe that love will spread. If she's being just plain mean, she's probably just plain unhappy.
Well, its 2am here and the hubby and I are both tired and I've waited all day to cuddle with him, so, bye now!
Oh hey, rub your wifes back, show her she's loved and appreciated and maybe that love will spread. If she's being just plain mean, she's probably just plain unhappy.
Well, its 2am here and the hubby and I are both tired and I've waited all day to cuddle with him, so, bye now!
As retarded as it may seem, it would likely snap her into reality, HOWEVER this isn't a battle between two adults, it's a battle between two adults and one child... the bigger picture here is the example you would be setting for your son. Do you really want to teach your son that it's okay to hit your wife? He's already getting the impression that it's okay to hit your child. When he's all grown up, that'll be his preferred method of expression... love and hate. Hit and then spoil. I somehow doubt that is the path you wish for him being that you are on this board asking for advice!!FooserX said:
How about this... you can probably see it coming before it does, so rather than allowing it to happen, go stand between her and the child. Whether its hard or not is irrelevent, if she can't control herself, it WILL escalate sooner or later.
I haven't read every response in this thread, so I don't know if it was suggested, but did you know that time outs for parents work really well too? When I find myself in a situation that is going badly, I call a mother's time out and go to my room, often taking a strong cup of tea and a couple of cookies with me and I tell the kids I need "quiet time."
Since your wife probably won't pick this as a first option right away, you might try putting it into practice over a weekend when you can assist her. Help her call a time out and remove herself from the stressful situation FOR HER OWN GOOD and bring her a cup of tea or whatever her relaxing beverage of choice is (I don't recommend coffee for obvious reasons). Tell her to put her feet up for ten minutes.
It really is okay to leave the scene of the crime with the understanding that the crime will be dealt with after the disciplinarian has had time to calm down from the effects of it.
I always find I am a better problem solver when I am calm and not acting in the moment. It also teaches children to be less impulsive (HA) and more considered in their approach to stress.
Since your wife probably won't pick this as a first option right away, you might try putting it into practice over a weekend when you can assist her. Help her call a time out and remove herself from the stressful situation FOR HER OWN GOOD and bring her a cup of tea or whatever her relaxing beverage of choice is (I don't recommend coffee for obvious reasons). Tell her to put her feet up for ten minutes.
It really is okay to leave the scene of the crime with the understanding that the crime will be dealt with after the disciplinarian has had time to calm down from the effects of it.
I always find I am a better problem solver when I am calm and not acting in the moment. It also teaches children to be less impulsive (HA) and more considered in their approach to stress.
Hey Kaytee, what about those lights that stick to the wall that way she can see down the stairs or something like movie theatre lights? Put a gate at the top of the stairs and at the bottom. Thank goodness I don't have stairs, I would be a nervous wreck.:swoon:Kaytee said:
the light is a good idea in most cases. We have a light switch at the top and bottom so she can reach it if need be.
She is fine going up and down with out a problem now. And the gate at her door is definately out now. She potty trained herself over the last two days! (will post in the bragging section in a min)
She is fine going up and down with out a problem now. And the gate at her door is definately out now. She potty trained herself over the last two days! (will post in the bragging section in a min)