My wife won't stop hitting my son :-(...

[evilbrent]

I spank my kids only if they talk back or when they severely misbehave. Otherwise I try to avoid it as much as possible because I remember how my father would use any and every opportunity the spank us. He never beat us, but it was still scary that any bad move you make could result in a fierce spanking.

~Malcolm~
E.sak Attorney</SIZE>[/URL]

I've never quite understood what 'talking back' is...

Every time I ever 'talked back' it was because I had very strong feelings about what I wanted to say and I felt like my voice was unimportant which made me feel unimportant and overpowered.

Is that what you're talking about?

Or is it 'sass' - ie, being mean and rude? .... does that mean that you teach people not to be rude to you by striking them?

 

[crimson_moon]

How about this...

She can go herself, and do whatever the hell she wants because I won't be around to do anything.

:arghh:

... well, I certainly don't blame you for wanting to leave. A lack of control is never a comfortable environment to be in. Just make sure you take your son with you!!!

 

[ntbuddy]

A man should never hit a women and a women should never hit a man. There's many more ways to communicate frustration. I used to believe spankings (I know it's not beating) was bad. Then one day I spanked our son and the problem went away as it knocked some sense into him. He didn't get hit hard and actually a high-five would've been worse but it was the mental process. Now we go a year or more between spankings and I can't see ever giving him one again being he's 12. Our daughter saw him get spanked and walks more perfectly than he did as she's learned from his mistakes.

One thing that could help and is what we're looking for is a local parenting group and if one isn't around a marriage group so that we can talk with others about frustrations, etc. and help improve our family.

Everything takes time, patience, and most importantly staying on top of the situation and not giving up.

 

[twistertiger]

A man should never hit a women and a women should never hit a man. There's many more ways to communicate frustration. I used to believe spankings (I know it's not beating) was bad. Then one day I spanked our son and the problem went away as it knocked some sense into him. He didn't get hit hard and actually a high-five would've been worse but it was the mental process. Now we go a year or more between spankings and I can't see ever giving him one again being he's 12. Our daughter saw him get spanked and walks more perfectly than he did as she's learned from his mistakes.

i agree. you should just talk to each other and not hit each other. she needs to learn to control her emotions and not take her anger or what ever on other people. frustration never helped any body. just tell her whats wrong and leave her (or kick her out) temporarily until she learns to control herself.

 

[unmanaged]

Just be careful with the situation. Things can escalate, and hitting children is not ok. Communication is key.

 

[VeronicaDarko]

We've talked about it before, and she admits she's wrong for hitting our 4 year old...but everytime he acts up, she lets things get to her...and ends up spanking him. I don't get it. :-(

Once she calms down, she feels horrible...and then spoils him...but once he misbehaves, it's like we never had that talk.

This weekend, she even hit him in the head! It wasn't a hard hit...or something he even cried about, but just watching her do it out of frustration made me furious.

I know not many people are going to admit it...but has anyone had this problem? Or had a spouse who had this problem? Any thoughts?

I don't think it'll get worse...and it's not like some kind of domestic abuse issue where she is looking to inflict pain on someone...she just reacts physically to him. It's not really hard either...but I don't like it!

omg! this is a very serious problem I can honestly say I've nevr had that problem I never really get mad at my 3 yr old and when my 13 yr old makes me mad I just spend some time away from him to cool off the situation, if she hits your son again tell her you're going to call child services!

 

[PoorDad]

On rare times I spank my kid, it is not out of anger but as a negative reinforcement to what he does. Is there something wrong with it?

And after I spank him and he calms down, I tell him lovingly about what he did wrong, and why he should never do it again so he wouldn't be spanked.

I tried "timeouts" but I don't know, it seems like it doesn't work. It's like it's not really "punishment" for him. So he doesn't seem to remember to avoid doing the same misbehavior.

 

[evilbrent]

On rare times I spank my kid, it is not out of anger but as a negative reinforcement to what he does. Is there something wrong with it?

yes.

you're not adding negative reinforcement to what he does, only to how he feels about himself and about you.

It's not only cruel - it's ultimately useless.

 

[evilbrent]

I tried "timeouts" but I don't know, it seems like it doesn't work. It's like it's not really "punishment" for him. So he doesn't seem to remember to avoid doing the same misbehavior.

This reads like "I was beating my head against a brick wall, but the wall wasn't falling down, so I beat my head even harder in the hopes that it would somehow work."

It's the same daft thing to say as "Increasing penalties for minor drug offenses hasn't reduced the number of arrests, so let's increase the penalties even further. That'll work!"

...or how about "I was nagging my wife to finally do something about her weight, but it wasn't working so I decided to amp it up and I bought a t-shirt saying 'My Wife's a Fatty'... she'll start getting in shape any moment, I'm sure."

 

[evilbrent]

My point is that when you have a Punishment Paradigm with your kid then, yeah, you're right, he'll learn to live with what he considers to be the least acceptable amount of punishment that he can cope with... and then proceed to walk all over you.

In that situation, you'll have to constantly keep making the punishment more and more severe to keep him out of his comfort zone. One day he'll become comfortable with a light smack. Then you'll have lost.

My MIL apparently caught my wife's brothers doing something terrible one time, and gave them the choice of smacks or being sent to their rooms. The boys looked at other, made the choice, took their lumps, and went back on with playing. Small price to pay.

If you're seeking to control your child - and worse, to control him through punishing him so far that he's constantly outside his comfort zone - then you're going to have to keep escalating the punishments.

There's another way.

 

[jtee]

Well Brent, tell us how you REALLY feel about this issue

Alyways love reading what you have to say about just anything!

 

[evilbrent]

 

[PoorDad]

Yes, I wish you would recommend what works. You're saying that when timeout doesn't work, spanking is bad, just leave the behavior alone, perhaps it will disappear? I think that the reason many youths of today are unmanageable and fear nothing is because their parents did not teach them the concept of punishment or bad consequences of their behavior.

 

[evilbrent]

sorry, don't have any time.

STOP managing your kid.

Develop a relationship of mutual respect. Always try to get your kid to say what they feel. Stop trying to manipulate with praise or punish with fear, instead lead the way by always behaving respectfully towards your kid and others.

"angry teenagers don't fall from the sky".

Yes, if you stop punishing your child they will stop limit-testing behaviour. If you help them develop an inner voice they will stop relying on your, external, voice. If you teach them the way TO live, you can stop going to the trouble of showing them the way NOT TO live.

Timeout doesn't work for the same reason that spanking doesn't work. It's a punishment paradigm.

Remember, just because you don't punish doesn't mean your suddenly permissive.

There IS another way. Think about it.

 

[Kaytee]

Timeout doesn't work for the same reason that spanking doesn't work. It's a punishment paradigm.

they work for me Brent. nichole has had a time out maybe 5 or 6 times in her life. And believe me it works.

 

[jtee]

I find that time outs also work great with cats! (our other two children)

 

[ntbuddy]

I find that time outs also work great with cats! (our other two children)

We gave ours (cats) a timeout today. I think they're suffering from being cooped up in the house.