Single dad problem-please help!...
- Thread starter jen
- Start date
Ok people. I have two children also who live 5 minutes from their father. It may benefit his child for us to move away from all of our family but it would be detrimental to my children and therefore it is not an option. We have to do what's best for all 3 of our children. Nothing is more important than their happiness and the two kids we are full-time parenting would be devasted by such a move.
I agree with Fallon then. Make the time spent there as special as possible - kinda like visiting relatives in a different state. Don't force her to call anyone mom or dad, or do things she isn't comfortable with...but definitely she still needs to abide by the rules of the house just like your kids.
It would be nice if your husband and his ex could get together set forth common rules and expectations that both households will abide. You know...a united front so she doesn't have to experience drastic lifestyle changes.
It would be nice if your husband and his ex could get together set forth common rules and expectations that both households will abide. You know...a united front so she doesn't have to experience drastic lifestyle changes.
Jen, you have quite a mess here. I am a bonus mom to four children, have one of my own and two with my second husband. If anyone knows the difficulty integrating a blended family, I do.
First, I really do think you need to stop focusing on the four year old as an interloper. The only way that I was able to integrate our family was to insist that all children, regardless of how they came to be in our family, were to be treated as complete members of the family. So, we immediately dropped the "step" from the words sister and brother and everyone became simply related. In your case, since you are only living together and are not yet married, I imagine this is not possible. If you do get married, I encourage total integration as quickly as possible.
Second, you absolutely have to have your fiance sit down with the mother of his child and to discuss with her what is appropriate and what is in the best interests of the child. I had two exes to contend with and I sat both of the mothers of my bonus kids down and told them that I really did not care if they hated me for the rest of their lives, but that EVERYTHING we did from here on in had to be with the best interest of the children first and foremost. It wasn't about a popularity contest or me trying to interfere in their childrens' lives. It was about raising well-adjusted children who had already had to go through the hell of their parents' divorce and separation. There was no reason to prolong that agony for them.
Absolutely your fiance's daughter must have lots of one one one time with him. It's only a week. He should spend most of it with her. He can get back to his regular life after she leaves. This little girl is not a part of your family in the true day-to-day sense which is sadly very unfortunate, therefore her visits are simply what she has come to view them as, vacations from her day-to-day family. As such they should be as pleasant as possible and as conflict free as possible. You did not give an example of the discipline problem involved, so I cannot comment on it, but I can say that if it was not handled by Dad alone, and if it was quite minor in the greater scheme of things, it should have been ignored. It is unrealistic to think that Dad can teach any discipline one or two weeks a year and actually have a lasting impact on his daughter's behavior.
Jen, this is not YOUR problem. It really is something Dad has to work out with his daughter and with the mother of his child. Putting yourself into the middle of it will only lead to both his daughter and him turning on you...trust me on this. Your fiance's relationship with his daughter is HIS relationship with his daughter. It is something he must create, nurture and figure out with her. All the additional outside influence will only serve to ensure that no good relationship ever develops. In your situation, it's best if you simply step back and let him be the parent.
I do hope that you have a bedroom for her for when she visits that is hers and has some familiar things in it for her. Being surrounded by familiar things that belong to her will give her an immediate sense of security about being in your home.
Finally, think long and hard about this marriage. Very long and very hard. Your future husband will ALWAYS have his daughter in his life and will therefore have to have a relationship his daughter's mother, till one of them passes. If you are not up for that, you owe it to your children as well as his daughter to not take on this challenge. This is about so much more than child support. It is about life long support of the emotional kind, whether his daughter is nine hours away, or nine minutes away and either scenario is possible at any time. You are NOT marrying a single dad. You are marrying a father. (He is likewise marrying a mother, by the way, it goes both ways.) When you marry a father, you also marry his ex(es) and his children and since they are pre-existing, as lousy as it may seem, you have to somewhat conform to the family system as it exists, not as you would like it to be.
Remember, his child did not create the issues here. She was conceived because her parents were not using birth control. She is not responsible for the irresponsible acts of her parents. She did not make the decisions that led her to be a part of your fiance's life. He did. It's time to stop treating her as though she's an interloper and an interference in your lives and start changing the irresponsible example that she has been given to model, thus far.
First, I really do think you need to stop focusing on the four year old as an interloper. The only way that I was able to integrate our family was to insist that all children, regardless of how they came to be in our family, were to be treated as complete members of the family. So, we immediately dropped the "step" from the words sister and brother and everyone became simply related. In your case, since you are only living together and are not yet married, I imagine this is not possible. If you do get married, I encourage total integration as quickly as possible.
Second, you absolutely have to have your fiance sit down with the mother of his child and to discuss with her what is appropriate and what is in the best interests of the child. I had two exes to contend with and I sat both of the mothers of my bonus kids down and told them that I really did not care if they hated me for the rest of their lives, but that EVERYTHING we did from here on in had to be with the best interest of the children first and foremost. It wasn't about a popularity contest or me trying to interfere in their childrens' lives. It was about raising well-adjusted children who had already had to go through the hell of their parents' divorce and separation. There was no reason to prolong that agony for them.
Absolutely your fiance's daughter must have lots of one one one time with him. It's only a week. He should spend most of it with her. He can get back to his regular life after she leaves. This little girl is not a part of your family in the true day-to-day sense which is sadly very unfortunate, therefore her visits are simply what she has come to view them as, vacations from her day-to-day family. As such they should be as pleasant as possible and as conflict free as possible. You did not give an example of the discipline problem involved, so I cannot comment on it, but I can say that if it was not handled by Dad alone, and if it was quite minor in the greater scheme of things, it should have been ignored. It is unrealistic to think that Dad can teach any discipline one or two weeks a year and actually have a lasting impact on his daughter's behavior.
Jen, this is not YOUR problem. It really is something Dad has to work out with his daughter and with the mother of his child. Putting yourself into the middle of it will only lead to both his daughter and him turning on you...trust me on this. Your fiance's relationship with his daughter is HIS relationship with his daughter. It is something he must create, nurture and figure out with her. All the additional outside influence will only serve to ensure that no good relationship ever develops. In your situation, it's best if you simply step back and let him be the parent.
I do hope that you have a bedroom for her for when she visits that is hers and has some familiar things in it for her. Being surrounded by familiar things that belong to her will give her an immediate sense of security about being in your home.
Finally, think long and hard about this marriage. Very long and very hard. Your future husband will ALWAYS have his daughter in his life and will therefore have to have a relationship his daughter's mother, till one of them passes. If you are not up for that, you owe it to your children as well as his daughter to not take on this challenge. This is about so much more than child support. It is about life long support of the emotional kind, whether his daughter is nine hours away, or nine minutes away and either scenario is possible at any time. You are NOT marrying a single dad. You are marrying a father. (He is likewise marrying a mother, by the way, it goes both ways.) When you marry a father, you also marry his ex(es) and his children and since they are pre-existing, as lousy as it may seem, you have to somewhat conform to the family system as it exists, not as you would like it to be.
Remember, his child did not create the issues here. She was conceived because her parents were not using birth control. She is not responsible for the irresponsible acts of her parents. She did not make the decisions that led her to be a part of your fiance's life. He did. It's time to stop treating her as though she's an interloper and an interference in your lives and start changing the irresponsible example that she has been given to model, thus far.
Wow EHB, what a lot of thought you put into that. Let me add that I am normally the one she gets along great with and she normally really clings to me, just not this time. I do stay out of their situation but at the same time, when this child comes into my home, is in my care, and treats me like a doormat, I'm not going to stand for that. She needs to respect me as a person. I don't let her get away with anything my kids don't. ALso, we are realizing there are alot of differences in our living situations. For example, we eat dinner together as a family every night at the dinner table, we say the blessing on our food, and we have structure and routine. When the children act up, they go to timeout, and they come out when they apologize for what they've done which is the EXACT same punishment she gets at home, we verified that. We are trying to keep all of that the same. However, she has made comments to me about how they eat in the living room, in front of the tv, and we're not going to conform to that just for her. ALso, we do not live together, so she does have her own room at his house with her own toys and such. He makes a point for her to be able to spend time with the rest of her family (i.e grandparents) as possible.
In reference to him being a "father", that is the best part about him. He could not be more loving than he is to my children. They have such a close relationship and it means so much to me to have found someone that's as good to them as he is. I could absolutely not ask for better.
Ok, yes he and his ex were irresponsible and of course it's not the childs fault. People do learn from their mistakes. THe mother of this child is living with "daddy", they too subsequently had an unplanned pregnancy, and no they are not married. So, she is still not creating the best moral upbringing for this child. I would like nothing more than to be able to bring her here and provide her with a wonderful upbringing, one with morals, religion, and stability. She gets along great with my kids, they all absolutely love each other. We just want her happiness.
Too, just to reiterate, he sees her for a week every other month, not once a year. She comes typically every 6-8 weeks. This is the equivalent of the every other weekend dad. And he does try to spend one on one time with her as much as possible. However, he does have to go to work too. He does not have a week vacation every other month but he does try to get home as early as possible, most days after lunch.
In response to your total integration with the "step" word. My children are old enough to understand that she is not their sister, but not old enough to understand "step" families. So, that's not really in the cards at this point.
Also, he has talked extensively with the childs mother about what is going on when she comes here, has asked her if she will consider family counseling for all of them, and she said she does not want her child to feel like she's weird, and basically was unreceptive to the idea. Her solution is for now, " I'll talk to her."
We do not force her to call either one of us mom or dad. She calls this other man daddy because probably all the other kids in the house call him daddy. My kids used to call their sitter "mommy" because they truly thought that was her name. She knows no different. When I refer to my fiance, I call him "daddy blank." This is how her mother refers to him so we just leave it at that.
It boils down to this. He loves this little girl and all he wants is to be able to have a meaningful relationship with her, that does not involve tearing apart the worlds of two other children he completely loves. We have thought about moving closer to her, however, all we would be doing is placing my children in the exact same situation that's she's in now. He wants to be apart of her life so writing her off and letting her have a "normal" life is not an option. How many of you would write off your child?
In reference to him being a "father", that is the best part about him. He could not be more loving than he is to my children. They have such a close relationship and it means so much to me to have found someone that's as good to them as he is. I could absolutely not ask for better.
Ok, yes he and his ex were irresponsible and of course it's not the childs fault. People do learn from their mistakes. THe mother of this child is living with "daddy", they too subsequently had an unplanned pregnancy, and no they are not married. So, she is still not creating the best moral upbringing for this child. I would like nothing more than to be able to bring her here and provide her with a wonderful upbringing, one with morals, religion, and stability. She gets along great with my kids, they all absolutely love each other. We just want her happiness.
Too, just to reiterate, he sees her for a week every other month, not once a year. She comes typically every 6-8 weeks. This is the equivalent of the every other weekend dad. And he does try to spend one on one time with her as much as possible. However, he does have to go to work too. He does not have a week vacation every other month but he does try to get home as early as possible, most days after lunch.
In response to your total integration with the "step" word. My children are old enough to understand that she is not their sister, but not old enough to understand "step" families. So, that's not really in the cards at this point.
Also, he has talked extensively with the childs mother about what is going on when she comes here, has asked her if she will consider family counseling for all of them, and she said she does not want her child to feel like she's weird, and basically was unreceptive to the idea. Her solution is for now, " I'll talk to her."
We do not force her to call either one of us mom or dad. She calls this other man daddy because probably all the other kids in the house call him daddy. My kids used to call their sitter "mommy" because they truly thought that was her name. She knows no different. When I refer to my fiance, I call him "daddy blank." This is how her mother refers to him so we just leave it at that.
It boils down to this. He loves this little girl and all he wants is to be able to have a meaningful relationship with her, that does not involve tearing apart the worlds of two other children he completely loves. We have thought about moving closer to her, however, all we would be doing is placing my children in the exact same situation that's she's in now. He wants to be apart of her life so writing her off and letting her have a "normal" life is not an option. How many of you would write off your child?
Just from what you are saying you are not willing to sacrifice YOUR children for the sake of his. Typical step mother behavior.
I don't like how you put her down, this woman has raised THIS child by herself. In all actuality he should up and move to be with her, she came first. Not yours.
Its like you saying she would mess up what YOU have going on. Tsk tsk.
Rather be in her life 100% or nothing at all. The typical step mother would put HER children first and shove out the previous child.
It's sad when the parents can not handle the parental role. They are blessings, they didn't ask you for their lives. I believe what comes around goes around.
This little girl is in my prayers, she's not a pawn or should feel like a tug of war. She needs a real daddy and if her bio can not do that then he needs to back up and allow her to have a father that will go that extra mile for her.
If you are even thinking about "writing off on this little girl" then I believe you should not have ANY children. That's so disturbing and sad
I don't like how you put her down, this woman has raised THIS child by herself. In all actuality he should up and move to be with her, she came first. Not yours.
Its like you saying she would mess up what YOU have going on. Tsk tsk.
Rather be in her life 100% or nothing at all. The typical step mother would put HER children first and shove out the previous child.
It's sad when the parents can not handle the parental role. They are blessings, they didn't ask you for their lives. I believe what comes around goes around.
This little girl is in my prayers, she's not a pawn or should feel like a tug of war. She needs a real daddy and if her bio can not do that then he needs to back up and allow her to have a father that will go that extra mile for her.
If you are even thinking about "writing off on this little girl" then I believe you should not have ANY children. That's so disturbing and sad
I meant that comment for Fooser who said he should write off this child. If my fiance wanted to write off his child he would have done that from day one. As it is, this mother chose to raise this child alone. She chose to move closer to her family and take this child with her without ever even telling the real father that he was going to be a father. She never discussed with him any suggestions on what they can do to work together as parents, she completely left him out of the situation. THe first time he heard from her was in court when he went to demand visitation. At that time, he drove every other weekend to this state, and had chaperoned visitations to establish a bond with this baby, and it was then determined by the judge that this mother WILL allow this child to go visit her father and she will be the one to meet him half way.
No, she won't move, she's where her family is and her support system, as we are where our family and support system is. My dad passed away two weeks ago and I made my dad a promise that I would look after my grandparents and honestly and you can all say I'm selfish, being the typical stepmother, whatever, but I cannot leave my family. Especially now.
I don't think you're being selfish at all.
I was under the assumption your kids were yours and your husbands, and that was it...but if they have a biological dad where you live - you absolutely cannot take them from them.
But...if they didn't...then yes, I think #1 priority would be the girl.
I was under the assumption your kids were yours and your husbands, and that was it...but if they have a biological dad where you live - you absolutely cannot take them from them.
But...if they didn't...then yes, I think #1 priority would be the girl.