Fooser, that's the nicest thing you have said to me all day! I appreciate it. Honestly folks, there is so many other factors happening right now that i cannot put into a forum. My dad has been sick for a long time and my fiance helped me take care of him for the past two years and so this has been a tremendous loss for us. I think my fiance deserves to be happy and I am so grateful that he has found happiness with me. I think I have done really well trying to be "motherly" to this little girl. Heck, I spent two days at Christmas making homemade cookies for her preschool class and little treat bags to give all 25 kids! Boy was that alot of cookies! I don't think I'm putting my own children ahead of his, however, I cannot take my own kids away from their father. That's wrong. Just as I think it was wrong for her to take this child away from her father. Dad's really get the bad rap when it comes to kids. Even the really good ones.
Single dad problem-please help!...
- Thread starter jen
- Start date
Thanks Fooser, you're starting to redeem yourself with me! We have talked more about it today, and he is going to talk to her about maybe taking turns driving all the way with her and spending time with her together to try and help her understand that he is family too. As in, on a visit, he will go to her hometown, and the next visit, maybe she come here. Something has to be done to show this child that these two are her real parents, not mommy and the other daddy.
This would be a very difficult set of circumstances for anyone, but especially for a 4 year old. Four year olds tend to thrive on routine and do better when things are predictable. So I'm not surprised.
I really don't see this as the child's fault or that she is just a brat. A lot is being asked of her.
In terms of what she calls her biological father, I would ignore that part. Does it really matter what she calls him? No, what is more important is the relationship she develops with him. I think of the relationship I have with my kids compared to the relationship my husband/their father has with them. He works most of the time. I'm with them all day long. I am always the one they go to. I'm the one they want to cuddle with. It will take even more time in your situation with the limited amount of time she has with him. It is more than biology IMO.
Maybe it would help to establish a "routine" when she visits. Maybe a chart with stickers or something. That might sound weird, but it works and she will start to feel more secure when she can come to expect how things will go.
I really don't see this as the child's fault or that she is just a brat. A lot is being asked of her.
In terms of what she calls her biological father, I would ignore that part. Does it really matter what she calls him? No, what is more important is the relationship she develops with him. I think of the relationship I have with my kids compared to the relationship my husband/their father has with them. He works most of the time. I'm with them all day long. I am always the one they go to. I'm the one they want to cuddle with. It will take even more time in your situation with the limited amount of time she has with him. It is more than biology IMO.
Maybe it would help to establish a "routine" when she visits. Maybe a chart with stickers or something. That might sound weird, but it works and she will start to feel more secure when she can come to expect how things will go.
all you can do is tell the child you love her and wish you could see her more often and do wonderful fun things with her when she visits, or move closer and get shared custody.
I agree that we make the most of what time she is here. None of us are moving, so stop suggesting it. For the person who said I am have the typical stepmother attitude about putting my own kids first, true. Does that make me a bad stepmother to say I refuse to take my own children away from their father? Maybe. But it also makes me one hell of a good mom. I would never do to my own children what this girl has done to her child. My children are number one always, above anything. Just because I can't get along with their dad, does not mean they can't. Same for this child in question. You don't take a child away from their real father, never even giving him a chance, and automatically replace him with the "daddy" you like better for YOURSELF. It doesn't work that way. Also, for all of you who think my fiance should pack up, leave behind his family, his support system, his life, and chase the mother of his child around the country, you people need to grow up. What on earth gives you people, namely women, the right to think because you spit out the kid that you can dangle it in front of his face saying if you want to see your child, you'll follow me and I'm going wherever I want to go. That's the typical low-life attitude. Face it girls, you did not create this baby by yourselves. If this is as little respect you have for the fathers of your children, you should have your parental rights stripped right now. I may be no longer married to the father of my children, but no matter what, will I ever take them from him. They love their father just as much as they love me. I think it's horrible that women just think that the fathers of their children are good for nothing more than being sperm donors and paychecks.
Now, as a good mom to my own children, we will be staying here. We will continue to help raise this child the best we can. Hopefully, as she grows up, she will be able to establish a very close bond with her real dad. I also hope for her sake, that the relationship her mother is in with daddy #2 works out. Otherwise, how is she going to explain to this child that she doesn't have visits with this "daddy" anymore. See what I'm saying? This is why I have a huge problem with women living in sin with kids. The kids don't learn who on earth is who.
Now, as a good mom to my own children, we will be staying here. We will continue to help raise this child the best we can. Hopefully, as she grows up, she will be able to establish a very close bond with her real dad. I also hope for her sake, that the relationship her mother is in with daddy #2 works out. Otherwise, how is she going to explain to this child that she doesn't have visits with this "daddy" anymore. See what I'm saying? This is why I have a huge problem with women living in sin with kids. The kids don't learn who on earth is who.
I don't know how the biological mother is thinking that when she's allowing him to see their child and he is allowed to visit them. You are the one that just said you want YOUR children to come first. So I don't think this woman is treating the father that way at all.[/B]
Now, as a good mom to my own children, we will be staying here. We will continue to help raise this child the best we can. Hopefully, as she grows up, she will be able to establish a very close bond with her real dad. I also hope for her sake, that the relationship her mother is in with daddy #2 works out. Otherwise, how is she going to explain to this child that she doesn't have visits with this "daddy" anymore. See what I'm saying? This is why I have a huge problem with women living in sin with kids. The kids don't learn who on earth is who.[/quote]Girl, one day you may have a rude awakening is all I can say to you. Divorce happens. Life isn't always perfect and you may be in the other womans shoes then and you'll have to eat these words. Print them out so you can reflect later in life.
I've been the child that has a father who raised another family and put me to the side so I understand what that little girl will feel like. I know exactly the type of step mother you are.
I also have a step son of my own and I adore him. I go and see him and he's four hours away. I make it a point to call him, go see him. He's 16 now and I STILL go to him.
As a step mother YOU should be encouraging your husband to go the extra mile to see the child, to move closer. You are just to selfish and think that your children deserve a full time father and you are just pushing that other little girl aside. SHE came first, not yours. You're no better then the mother is so you have no right to down her.
The mother moved on, deal with it. The father moved on. You automatically assume that the mother's relationship will not work out and she'll have to explain again why "daddy is gone"....what if it happens to you? Are you willing to explain why YOUR children don't have a daddy? Maybe he'll move away from you and then what? I bet you'll expect him to stay close for YOUR kids huh?
You really need to rethink your way of thinking because it's shallow and selfish. I wish you Karma.
Now, as a good mom to my own children, we will be staying here. We will continue to help raise this child the best we can. Hopefully, as she grows up, she will be able to establish a very close bond with her real dad. I also hope for her sake, that the relationship her mother is in with daddy #2 works out. Otherwise, how is she going to explain to this child that she doesn't have visits with this "daddy" anymore. See what I'm saying? This is why I have a huge problem with women living in sin with kids. The kids don't learn who on earth is who.[/quote]Girl, one day you may have a rude awakening is all I can say to you. Divorce happens. Life isn't always perfect and you may be in the other womans shoes then and you'll have to eat these words. Print them out so you can reflect later in life.
I've been the child that has a father who raised another family and put me to the side so I understand what that little girl will feel like. I know exactly the type of step mother you are.
I also have a step son of my own and I adore him. I go and see him and he's four hours away. I make it a point to call him, go see him. He's 16 now and I STILL go to him.
As a step mother YOU should be encouraging your husband to go the extra mile to see the child, to move closer. You are just to selfish and think that your children deserve a full time father and you are just pushing that other little girl aside. SHE came first, not yours. You're no better then the mother is so you have no right to down her.
The mother moved on, deal with it. The father moved on. You automatically assume that the mother's relationship will not work out and she'll have to explain again why "daddy is gone"....what if it happens to you? Are you willing to explain why YOUR children don't have a daddy? Maybe he'll move away from you and then what? I bet you'll expect him to stay close for YOUR kids huh?
You really need to rethink your way of thinking because it's shallow and selfish. I wish you Karma.
Jen, i'm now wondering what magic pill you wanted us to suggest since you seem completely not open to any suggestions.
I'm not privy to information about your husbands custody agreement, but i do know that in this state if there is a shared custody agreement (which is the default unless there is a reason to do otherwise) then neither party can take the child out of state without the other parents permission. I'm not sure how this happened to your fiance but its something perhaps to revisit in court.
I think EHB makes a good point. Perhaps she's spending too much time at your house being the step kid. Perhaps she needs to be spending time at her dad's place alone with her dad. Because thats who she is there to see.
I find your feelings of moral superiority over the childs mother very concerning. If you really are going to be this childs stepmother, you'll never be able to have a strong relationship with the child unless you and the mother have at the very least a civil relationship. As it is i see no reason to assume that this woman is a "low life" because she moved away, I assume that the custody agreement lists her as the custodial parent, giving her more rights than your boyfriend. Thats something he can rectify if he wants to. I wonder why he didnt' have full shared custody in the first place, though, if he's this fabulous, involved father.
As for kids learning who is who - a father is more than a sperm donor. Perhaps the man living in the house IS a wonderful father to this child. You yourself speak to what a great father figure your boyfriend is to your children - how is that more confusing than whats going on in other peoples homes.
I'm not privy to information about your husbands custody agreement, but i do know that in this state if there is a shared custody agreement (which is the default unless there is a reason to do otherwise) then neither party can take the child out of state without the other parents permission. I'm not sure how this happened to your fiance but its something perhaps to revisit in court.
I think EHB makes a good point. Perhaps she's spending too much time at your house being the step kid. Perhaps she needs to be spending time at her dad's place alone with her dad. Because thats who she is there to see.
I find your feelings of moral superiority over the childs mother very concerning. If you really are going to be this childs stepmother, you'll never be able to have a strong relationship with the child unless you and the mother have at the very least a civil relationship. As it is i see no reason to assume that this woman is a "low life" because she moved away, I assume that the custody agreement lists her as the custodial parent, giving her more rights than your boyfriend. Thats something he can rectify if he wants to. I wonder why he didnt' have full shared custody in the first place, though, if he's this fabulous, involved father.
As for kids learning who is who - a father is more than a sperm donor. Perhaps the man living in the house IS a wonderful father to this child. You yourself speak to what a great father figure your boyfriend is to your children - how is that more confusing than whats going on in other peoples homes.
Beth makes valid points here. Most courts will modify or restrict a parent's movements, so let's at least hope that if the mother decides to move again, the father will go into court and prevent her from moving further away.BethInAK said:
On the point of the little one being the step kid in the future step mother's home, I think it would speak volumes if the daycare required to take care of the little tyke take place in HER home, not in the home of a future wife of her dad where she has absolutely no rights, or comfort or anything familiar and where she is intruding. If I were in this situation, I'd happily go over to Dad's house with my kids (who are clearly extremely comfortable around him and in his home) to take care of her when Dad needed that. This way she has a room of her own to retreat to when this new family that is being forced upon her get to be more than she can handle and she can feel safe.
When I hear stories like this I can't help but ask myself, why do we as adults expect our children to do things that we ourselves would refuse to do? Where are the lessons for our children in that? Sometimes we must stop and ask: "Would I be willing to do what I am asking my child to do?" How else can we teach our children respect for others? Or have we become such a selfish and self-indulged society that we are only concerned with how WE feel and are consumed with the pursuit of what WE want to the exclusion of everyone else?
To Jen: If you truly love this man, you will LOVE his child. You are impressed by how he loves your children. I think that speaks volumes to how much he loves you. Return the favor and be the woman who loves him so deeply that you love his child. She is part of him and loving him requires loving her. I urge you again to calmly and rationally figure out if you are both willing to and if you can do this, because if you think things are difficult at 4, you "ain't seen nothin' yet!"
I never said I do not love this child. I feel very sorry for this child. I truly do. I think it sucks tremendously that she has been put in this situation. Sha, you keep talking about his child coming first, well guess what, my kids came first too. And yes, no relationship is guaranteed. If my relationship with him does not work out, then so be it but my children still have their father. It sounds like Sha that you expect me as a mom to have my own children "take one for the team" and move off away from their family so we can have convenient access to his child. Sorry, not going to happen. Thanks for your comments and time but if that makes me a selfish person, karma goes around to everyone.
Let me add a little more insight for you guys. This child and I normally have a great relationship. She loves to cook with me, we go shopping together, we do girl stuff and she loves it. In fact, I think it does wonders for her. Her mother babysits around the clock at her house, and so all she ever talks about is all these other kids. I don't think she gets any one on one time with her mother often. Her last visit, she informed me she wanted to stay at my house and have sleepovers. It was truly a great time. I don't know what was different about this particular visit. She seemed to be in a really bad mood for whatever reason. She wasn't acting like her normal self. So, NO I don't think I treat this child selfishly. I think she and I have our own bond going on as well which is why I hate the predicament she's in. She told me recently, "so I have two mommies and two daddies." I said, "yes I guess you do. That means you have a whole lot of people who love you." So again, you can stop all the bashing. Nobody is perfect. Including everyone on this site.
In lieu of custody, she has primary custody as she is the mother. Just as I have primary custody because my kids live primarily with me. In this neck of the woods, that's the way it goes. I told my fiance that I do think he should go visit this child, go out with her on her own terf, and see if her mother will be ok with that. So that's his next plan. What I would like to see happen, is for the both of us to have a truly great relationship with her. She already has one with my kids, and myself for that matter, we just have to work on it with her dad.
In lieu of custody, she has primary custody as she is the mother. Just as I have primary custody because my kids live primarily with me. In this neck of the woods, that's the way it goes. I told my fiance that I do think he should go visit this child, go out with her on her own terf, and see if her mother will be ok with that. So that's his next plan. What I would like to see happen, is for the both of us to have a truly great relationship with her. She already has one with my kids, and myself for that matter, we just have to work on it with her dad.
Nope, I'm pretty much perfect. I rock as a mom and step mom. If I do see a problem then I fix it for the sake of the children. That's MY job, that's what I do.[/B]
In lieu of custody, she has primary custody as she is the mother. Just as I have primary custody because my kids live primarily with me. In this neck of the woods, that's the way it goes. I told my fiance that I do think he should go visit this child, go out with her on her own terf, and see if her mother will be ok with that. So that's his next plan. What I would like to see happen, is for the both of us to have a truly great relationship with her. She already has one with my kids, and myself for that matter, we just have to work on it with her dad.[/quote]
You really need to get over what HER mother does, frankly that's none of your business. This is between her father and her. He should be with the daughter with no one else around. They need a bond first. She should be safe and secure with him.
That's great she gets along with your kids and is trying with you. Give her time, she'll see you for what you are. Stepmothers like you are easy to read. You do what you do so she can go back and tell her mommy that she had such a wonderful time. You want the other mother to feel that you're this great person. If you were.....you'd go out of your way to make her a part of your family, not an outsider.
You're very adament about not moving. Again if it were your children you would have a different outlook.
I'm not worried about the little girl because her real mother has her best interest at heart and will make sure she is truely loved. I'm sure you'll make sure there is distance between the bio father and the little girl so YOUR children has all of him. Sounds so story book.
You could do more. She desesrves more. She's not an accident, she's not an interference. HE made HER . Now she needs love, understanding and welcome.
In lieu of custody, she has primary custody as she is the mother. Just as I have primary custody because my kids live primarily with me. In this neck of the woods, that's the way it goes. I told my fiance that I do think he should go visit this child, go out with her on her own terf, and see if her mother will be ok with that. So that's his next plan. What I would like to see happen, is for the both of us to have a truly great relationship with her. She already has one with my kids, and myself for that matter, we just have to work on it with her dad.[/quote]
You really need to get over what HER mother does, frankly that's none of your business. This is between her father and her. He should be with the daughter with no one else around. They need a bond first. She should be safe and secure with him.
That's great she gets along with your kids and is trying with you. Give her time, she'll see you for what you are. Stepmothers like you are easy to read. You do what you do so she can go back and tell her mommy that she had such a wonderful time. You want the other mother to feel that you're this great person. If you were.....you'd go out of your way to make her a part of your family, not an outsider.
You're very adament about not moving. Again if it were your children you would have a different outlook.
I'm not worried about the little girl because her real mother has her best interest at heart and will make sure she is truely loved. I'm sure you'll make sure there is distance between the bio father and the little girl so YOUR children has all of him. Sounds so story book.
You could do more. She desesrves more. She's not an accident, she's not an interference. HE made HER . Now she needs love, understanding and welcome.
Ok, thank you SO MUCH MUSICMOM for finally telling everyone on here why you are so stereotypical. You really must drink when you post. Let me tell you something girl, you reallly need to come to grips with your past if you are ever going to have any kind of future. You have made some of the stupidest "typical disgruntled stepchild" comments I have ever heard. Nothing I say or do is going to please you except to say ok, you're right. I'm going to make my own children sacrificial lambs for the sake of my stepchild. Truly, that is the only thing people like you want to hear. It does not matter which of the children came first. We have 3 children now, not just one. You talk of the typical stepmother attitude. It really sucks for you that you had the stepmother from hell. If your attitude as a child is as bad as it as now, you might want to think about why your life was not so great. Parent divorce. That's life and you don't always get what you want. And no, don't think I don't know first hand of which I speak. I too, like YOU, was that child left behind while my mother went off with her "new family" as you put it. I know the hurt, the anger, and namely the jealousy that you feel when this happens. But guess where we are different. I did not go and try to ruin every visit I had with my mother and new stepfamily as it sounds like you did. I treated my mother and stepfamily with love and respect as I still do to this day.
Let me tell you something YOU need to ponder. I can sum it up for you in one word. FORGIVENESS. Look it up, think about it, print it out, and try applying it to your life. You would be very surprised as to the wonders it can do for your relationship you don't seem to have with your own family. Until you can get past your own unhappy full of rage childhood, and your own parents parenting, you have no business even offering anyone else parenting advice. If all you wanted was stepchildren, why on earth do you have any of your own. Trust me, I'm not trying to be nasty, unlike you. I think you really need to come to grips with your past. I had the same past too, but thankfully it hasn't left me as bitter a person as you are. I truly hope things can calm down in your life. I have also learned that even devoting any minute of my time to people like you who are so pissed off at the world anyways, is totally not worth my time. It's like beating your head against a brick wall. It's not going to move and just really gives you a headache.
Seriously though, lose the attitude. It's people like you that totally hate stepmothers from day one. You already have your preconceived notions about them, just as you do me and nothing they say/do is going to make you happy because you can't get over your own jealousy. Good luck to you girl. This thread has turned completely ridiculous, and not worth my time. Again, forgiveness. Look it up. Apply it. Karma girl.....................
I'm out of here. I have children to raise, not bones to pick.
Let me tell you something YOU need to ponder. I can sum it up for you in one word. FORGIVENESS. Look it up, think about it, print it out, and try applying it to your life. You would be very surprised as to the wonders it can do for your relationship you don't seem to have with your own family. Until you can get past your own unhappy full of rage childhood, and your own parents parenting, you have no business even offering anyone else parenting advice. If all you wanted was stepchildren, why on earth do you have any of your own. Trust me, I'm not trying to be nasty, unlike you. I think you really need to come to grips with your past. I had the same past too, but thankfully it hasn't left me as bitter a person as you are. I truly hope things can calm down in your life. I have also learned that even devoting any minute of my time to people like you who are so pissed off at the world anyways, is totally not worth my time. It's like beating your head against a brick wall. It's not going to move and just really gives you a headache.
Seriously though, lose the attitude. It's people like you that totally hate stepmothers from day one. You already have your preconceived notions about them, just as you do me and nothing they say/do is going to make you happy because you can't get over your own jealousy. Good luck to you girl. This thread has turned completely ridiculous, and not worth my time. Again, forgiveness. Look it up. Apply it. Karma girl.....................
I'm out of here. I have children to raise, not bones to pick.
Blah blah blah. I read like half your post. You want people to agree with you. YOUR children and HER child should be treated equal. Period.
You know your wrong and it shows in your post.
I never hated my step mother, she believed HER daughter should come first as you do. That's why I know you are shallow and selfish.
I have no jealousy or hatred, good try. I just think your attitude towards the child that came FIRST sucks.
I already told you I am a wonderful stepmother so your analogy of my attitutes towards stepparents is wrong. LMAO
You wanted an opinion, here ya go. You are jealous and want to blame the other mother. Good luck raising those children.
You know your wrong and it shows in your post.
I never hated my step mother, she believed HER daughter should come first as you do. That's why I know you are shallow and selfish.
I have no jealousy or hatred, good try. I just think your attitude towards the child that came FIRST sucks.
I already told you I am a wonderful stepmother so your analogy of my attitutes towards stepparents is wrong. LMAO
You wanted an opinion, here ya go. You are jealous and want to blame the other mother. Good luck raising those children.
Guys, when asking for advice, if you don't like the repsonse you've recieved, instead of acting like highschool kids and calling each other names, chock it up to experience and just let it go. Take the advice that you did want to use and leave it as that.
Theres not need to be immature.
Theres not need to be immature.
The daughter doesn't want to see the dad don't make her, end of story. Forcing her will just cause problems.
<r><FONT font="Arial"><s></s>Musicmom, there is a difference between posting your opinion for what it’s worth and just being plain nasty and disrespectful, just because you can. Grow up. Treat other people the way you want to be treated. And if you’ve got nothing nice to say, then stop posting in this thread, I think Jen can do without you.<e></SIZE></e></SIZE><e>[/FONT]</e></FONT></r>