So what DOES count as cheating?...

[ivybendorf]

she wrote me a letter that includes "I hate being touched let alone having sex with you. I'm so disgusting that it feels like you only come to me because you need a hole. You deserve sex but I don't feel that I can give it to you."

This sounds like she needs professional help, possibly medication. Serious self-esteem issues. She feels unattractive. Send her to the spa, a makeover, etc, and hopefully by the end of the day she can feel better about herself. But SHE is the only one who can decide she is attractive, she has to make herself realize it, or else she is totally dependent on other people making her feel that way.

Is she getting help?

 

[HappyMomma]

Does she by chance have any rape or abuse issues that she has not dealth with?

Sorry to hear you are going through such a tough time.

 

[evilbrent]

My husband split up a month ago because of cyber sex. He was having cyber sex with a couple different women for the last 3-4 months and I found out. I made him leave that day.

really? why?

It's just typing on a computer...

 

[Skyburning]

really? why?

It's just typing on a computer...

No it's not. It's so much more than that. If he is seeking out the same women time after time and forming an emotional(and sexual?) connection with them INSTEAD of spending time with his wife. To toy with the idea is one thing, to have an online relationship is another. It's not just typing on a computer when you are the one getting hurt.

 

[evilbrent]

anyway - she said it in another topic somewhere, and it's obvious really - she said that it was a long story, and this was the straw that broke the camel's back.

I guess it would be clearly cheating if a man left his marital bed, in the middle of the night and went to use his computer to perform some complicated masturbatory act INSTEAD of waking up his compliant and always eager wife to let her know that he's ready to make sweet love to her now... but what man, really, would seek out cybersex when his sexual relationship with his real, living, wife were actually that strong?

...anyway, like I said. I don't even really know what cybersex, when it boils down to it, is. Is it just like typing dirty words into an IM client while you masturbate?

 

[Skyburning]

Just the act of masturbating to someone else is not what I have a problem with. It's the seeking out of the same person to masturbate to and forming a connection to them that bothers me.

 

[musicmom]

Just the act of masturbating to someone else is not what I have a problem with. It's the seeking out of the same person to masturbate to and forming a connection to them that bothers me.

Thank goodness for thinking of someone else.

 

[musicmom]

 

[Music-dad]

rotflmao

 

[Teresa]

Anything that you do with someone else that you wouldn't feel comfortable doing in front of your spouse, that's cheating.

And, just for the record, I woudln't have answered MY husband if he asked me that question, either. I would have been disgusted that he was even thinking about it enough to WANT to ask me. If he already knew the answer was NO, then there wouldn't be a question to ask!!!

 

[jrrsmom]

anyway - she said it in another topic somewhere, and it's obvious really - she said that it was a long story, and this was the straw that broke the camel's back.

I guess it would be clearly cheating if a man left his marital bed, in the middle of the night and went to use his computer to perform some complicated masturbatory act INSTEAD of waking up his compliant and always eager wife to let her know that he's ready to make sweet love to her now... but what man, really, would seek out cybersex when his sexual relationship with his real, living, wife were actually that strong?

...anyway, like I said. I don't even really know what cybersex, when it boils down to it, is. Is it just like typing dirty words into an IM client while you masturbate?

Cybersex -


Cybersex, computer sex, internet sex or net sex is a avatars in a multiuser software environment.
Cybersex sometimes includes webcams to transmit real-time video of the partners.
Cybersex is sometimes colloquially called "cybering". Channels used to initiate cybersex are not necessarily exclusively devoted to that subject, and participants in any Internet chat may suddenly receive a message with any possible variation of the text "Wanna cyber?"

 

[evilbrent]

And, just for the record, I woudln't have answered MY husband if he asked me that question, either. I would have been disgusted that he was even thinking about it enough to WANT to ask me. If he already knew the answer was NO, then there wouldn't be a question to ask!!!

No offence or anything - but what's it like living in a world without humor? No, I didn't sit her down and say "Honey, I've thought about it, and I can only see one way out. Seeing as you don't want to use my penis, would you mind awfully if I paid someone to use it for me? It'll just be the once and then I'm done, I swear."

As they say in Australia "It was a joke, Joyce."

Relax.

And anyway, I told you, that wasn't the reason she refused to answer. She refused to answer because it WASN'T obvious (at least to her) that it was an outrageous thing to ask. She didn't answer because, there and then, with her present state of mind, she felt that she didn't have a right to answser the quesiton.

----

Anyway [Update] it's gotten a bit better. The episode has kinda passed and now she's at least talking to me and even gave me a hug before I left for work today.

 

[evilbrent]

Cybersex -


Cybersex, computer sex, internet sex or net sex is a avatars in a multiuser software environment.
Cybersex sometimes includes webcams to transmit real-time video of the partners.
Cybersex is sometimes colloquially called "cybering". Channels used to initiate cybersex are not necessarily exclusively devoted to that subject, and participants in any Internet chat may suddenly receive a message with any possible variation of the text "Wanna cyber?"

hmmm. that does sound serious.

I guess it would also be a bigger deal if they knew each other in real life

 

[Skyburning]

No offence or anything - but what's it like living in a world without humor? No, I didn't sit her down and say "Honey, I've thought about it, and I can only see one way out. Seeing as you don't want to use my penis, would you mind awfully if I paid someone to use it for me? It'll just be the once and then I'm done, I swear."

As they say in Australia "It was a joke, Joyce."

Relax.

Humor is fine when your partner is secure. There are some nights when Kutter is ready to go and I'm just not. And he'll joke and say something like "well I'll just have to go find somebody that will then!" and I'll say "well then go ahead!" because we both know that he wouldn't. And that is funny. But it's not funny when she probably really does expect you to go looking elsewhere. And the fact that she expects that probably makes her feel even worse because sex isn't good with her right now. Which makes it even harder to have good sex! It's a vicious cycle.

I agree that humor is good for the average person but right now your wife is not the average person, she's a depressed person and probably won't find much of anything funny.

 

[budnkota]

Sex and touching aren't the only kinds of cheating. Let me tell you where I am coming from.

I have been the "other woman." Not because I wanted to, but because I was stupid, niave and blindly trusting. That is also why I have a 3-y-o now. I think it was a matter of Ry's father deliberately trying to create an escape route, with a complete disregard for whom it impacted.

I will never regret what happened, because w/o that, I wouldn't have my son today. BUT.. I have had a lot of interaction with his ex-wife. I have a pretty good idea of what she's gone through.

At first it was a lot of harassment and hostility (she actually told me that I should have asked to see divorce papers). It got so bad that I had the police contact her and tell her the harassment needed to stop. It didn't - I had to file for a restraining order to end it. She did everything in her power to interfere/prohibit his relationship with his son (and he allowed that to happen)
Now, we speak in a civilized manner and share information that helps both of us deal with this man and his unpredictable behavior.

But I also know that she was driven crazy by this. She apparently had a meltdown in the boy's section of a children's clothing store, B had to go pick her up. She has lashed out at a number of people. In many ways, his betrayal destroyed parts of her for a while. I think she's on her way back now, but a piece of her is always going to have scars from the burn. Despite everything she has done to harm my son's well-being, I have a great deal of sympathy for this woman.

But knowing what I know now, I'd say his cheating started LONG before he ever laid a hand on me. We would talk for hours on the phone. He went to watch his kids in the morning when she worked, and he would call me from there. He was even talking to me when she came home from work one day. He would come to my work to do his tracking at 8 pm, and would often be there until almost 10 talking to me. When he started coming to my house, he'd stay until 2 or 3 in the morning - at that point, nothing has happened. After we did become intimate, he often spent the night at my house, leaving at 6 to watch his kids while she worked, then he'd call me when he got there. Leave at 12:30 when she got home, and would be sitting outside my door waiting for me when I got home.
I'd say mr. therapist was having an EMOTIONAL affair long, long before he ever had a physical one.
My question is WHY WAS THIS WOMAN NOT QUESTIONING ANYTHING?
Had she not been so detatched from what was going on, I don't think anything would have ever happened. I am certain of it. He would have backtracked if ever confronted as to where he was all the time. But since he WAS so doting and always there, I had no reason to doubt what he said, and allowed things to progress.
It's not her fault - not by any means. But she could have prevented it.

 

[AmethystRose]

ok im a newie here. but this post caught my eye and i had to reply, i got to page 5 and gave up reading the rest, cos i felt i hd to give my opinion as most of it shocked me as to wat i read.

Back to the original post..............

IMHO as most say looking up porn on the internet is acceptable as its just pic's so its not classed as cheating,

but any form of relationship in a sexual manner via the internet is cheating, as in this day and age this is how most people meet and get together and whom they find thier current spouses thru.

Talking to people and having a laugh via the internet is fun, as long as its just friendly and does not cross the boundaries with sexual talk etc.

I have been thru all that with my ex husband, we members of a car club on a forum and lots of people were dating on there afyter chattin and meeting up at meets, my ex was having a cyber affair with a woman via the forum, i knew when he changed his paswords and wouldnt let me red his mail or anything as which he used to let me do, and i did with him as we had nothing to hide from each other at all, we were open and honest with each other til i got post natal depression from our son and for a while i felt like the guys wife who posted this thread, but instead of him talking about cheating and prob also actual cheating wen meeting this woman at a meet, which i dare say he did as they went off togetehr a few times for a few hours at a time and left me with her husband.

When a woman is going thru depression its for a reason.....
first for me it started off as post natal depression, it worsened cos my ex worked offshore and was hardly at home, and then wen he was home he was useless as an ashtry on a motorbike with regards to our son, ok he did take a bit of responsibiluty but only as much as he wanted all he wanted was back on to his car forum every day.
he'd moan wen i didnt do house work, moan if i didnt look nice etc.

I didnt have time cos all i did was look after my son.

NOw wat i am trying to say is, wen a woman is depressed she needs some kind of attention, she may not always tell you what? but most of the time she craves TLC even if she dont wanna have sex it dont mean she dont want a cuddle every so often, she needs romance, to still know her husband loves her and to be told.
if she does not want cuddles, do other things to make her feel appreciated, like come home from work one day with a bunch of flowers just to show you care, anything that adds a lil spark of romance, she'll soon come back round

Do you know what the cause of her depression is? have you talked to her about it? showed you care at all? done anything to help?

Instead of talking about cheating, you should be being more supportive of your wife if you love her and helping her thru the depression and making things work in your marriage not thinking of going off with anyone else as if she finds out you have it will only worsen her situattion and will take her longer to get over the depression.

I didnt have a very understanding or supportive husband, my depression took almost 2 yrs to get over. i had to split from my husband and stupidly i jmped staright into another relationship taht didnt work out in the end, had an affair with a married man whom is my best friend and i am stupidly 8 months pregnant again, but during that time of splitting with that person i jumped into a realtionship with i had a period for almost a yr on my own with my son and i feel so much a better person now that i have learned a great deal for myself and not having anyone around etc.
But now i have found happiness with a good friend i have had for 5yrs, (longer than i knew or was married to my ex for) one day we cliked 8 weeks ago and we are so happy and he is very very supportive thru my pregnancy and wants to be dad so now i couldnt be happier as found a great man, my only regret is that it wasnt him i married wen i married my husband, life would have been so much diff if i had.

So if you love your wife, spoil her, romance her, talk to her instead of thinking of cheating as one day you'll lose her altogether! and you'll be left with nothing!

Threefold law.... what you give out comes back times 3, and i strongly believe that, bad karma, good karma etc

 

[AmethystRose]

Humor is fine when your partner is secure. There are some nights when Kutter is ready to go and I'm just not. And he'll joke and say something like "well I'll just have to go find somebody that will then!" and I'll say "well then go ahead!" because we both know that he wouldn't. And that is funny. But it's not funny when she probably really does expect you to go looking elsewhere. And the fact that she expects that probably makes her feel even worse because sex isn't good with her right now. Which makes it even harder to have good sex! It's a vicious cycle.

I agree that humor is good for the average person but right now your wife is not the average person, she's a depressed person and probably won't find much of anything funny.

i totally agree with this post, .... my and my current partner often have jokes like that between each other, but as we have been friends for 5yrs now before we got together, we completly know and trust each other 100% so its ok for us to do so.
but if i had depression again i wouldnt find it quite so funny, i'd want him to react differntly, instead of the jokes show more affection in other ways s i described in myother post, as when a woman feels depressed even if she dont want sex it dont mean she dont want loving anoter way,

other ways are leaving little love notes around the house for her to find if you go to work before her in the morning, text messges saying i love you, or do you fancy doing anything tonight? fancy a romantic meal just me and you?

This is just some of the things i would like a partner to do but maybe i am just a romantic at heart
but i know for a fact that if i did get PND again my current partner would do thse things as he is very much like me and a real romantic too, so if he did anything like that i'd soon snap out of it

 

[AmethystRose]

Anything that you do with someone else that you wouldn't feel comfortable doing in front of your spouse, that's cheating.

And, just for the record, I woudln't have answered MY husband if he asked me that question, either. I would have been disgusted that he was even thinking about it enough to WANT to ask me. If he already knew the answer was NO, then there wouldn't be a question to ask!!!

DITTO :chatterbox:


take note of this thread............... this helps every wowman smile

Things I'd like to hear from my husband[/URL]

 

[1dayatatime]

WOW. I couldn't read all that. Honesty is the core of a happy marriage. I would not have a problem with the "happy ending" If it was legal in the US I'd encourage it. I would have issue with an "emotional" attachment. Sex is sex and should/can be totally separate from love. A once in a lifetime oppurtunity should not be passed up. I would not want my DH to hinder me.

 

[.:Kalli Rae:.]

No it's not. It's so much more than that. If he is seeking out the same women time after time and forming an emotional(and sexual?) connection with them INSTEAD of spending time with his wife. To toy with the idea is one thing, to have an online relationship is another. It's not just typing on a computer when you are the one getting hurt.

Thank you. You hit the nail on the head. It really is more than just typing. He was searching for something different than what we had. Instead of talking to me about it he ran and stuck his head in the sand or computer.

He developed a relationship, albiet online, with this woman. They played an online (non-sexual) game together and would talk outside of this game. They had quite a bit in common and he felt like he was a bigger man when he had a wife to clean his house and cook his meals, care for his children and he had a woman to satisfy his sexual needs with no strings attached (supposedly).

He has since apologized and I haven't forgiven him yet but I am working on it. He knows what he did was wrong and it cost him dearly. All I can say is I hope he has learned how to treat the ones you love.