What age do you stop spanking?...

[MomoJA]

I was physically disciplined until I was nearly an adult. There was no question that spanking and other methods of physical discipline were used in my home out of anger, and that the intention was to inflict pain that would be remembered. However, it did not make me behave worse, and it probably stopped a lot of behavior I might otherwise have engaged in, knowing what the consequences were.

All 8 of us children, love, respect, and seek advice from our father, who was the disciplinarian. Also, growing up, we were the family all the other children in the neighborhood were judged against - "Why can't you be more like those --- children?" Seven of us have advanced degrees, and the one who doesn't lived abroad while her husband worked as a physician. I, as the teacher, am the least financially secure, and the only one who is divorced. (I've always been the black sheep of the family.) The other marriages have lasted so far from 21 years to 5 years. None of us has ever been arrested, etc. None of us have ever blamed our parents for anything that has gone wrong in our lives like I've heard many of my friends do.

Having said that, I don't really want to use spanking on my child, and I certainly wouldn't use it with a child older than say 8 or 9.

 

[Big_Sister]

I hope I'll handel it with out smaking my son, but if hes going to be as much trouble as my sisters can be, I'll gonna freak out...

 

[PennQuaker09]

I don't believe in spanking.

 

[mrrobinson]

Please don't let this turn into a debate about whether or not you should spank. Regardless I don't believe that we will convert each other.

Just for the record we don't spank even though I have been spanked and beaten and everywhere in between. That is not the issue though.

My brother-in-law still spanks his 17 year old daughter.

This question is mostly for those who have or are willing to spank their children. But feel free to participate even if you don't.

At what age does the spanking stop? Do you base it on the individual child or is there an age where they are just too old?

I don't mean to start trouble as I know that this can be a hot topic I am just curious. I wonder if for those that do believe in spanking would you still be spanking at age 17?

NEVER, THE OBJECTS JUST GET BIGGER

 

[SGC622]

Here are my thoughts:
<LIST type="decimal">

1. 
   <LI>
2. I do believe in spanking and respect others decision to not spank and do not harp on them about it</LI>
   <LI>
3. I Dislike when people get involved or say something when what im doing is no where near being classified as abuse.(I don't believe a quick slap to the behind is abuse)</LI>
   <LI>
4. The age at which a kid should stop being slapped in my mind is when they stop acting immature, my mentality is if you act the part I'll treat you like it. so in that regards it possibly could be earlier if they smarten up.</LI>
   <LI>
5. Spanking could also be stopped when the child acquires possessions that are in their mind worse being taken away than getting spanked.</LI>

</LIST>And to further add. i grew up with a father with an anger problem and other than the points when he went to far, spanking in my mind, showed me not fear so much but respect much faster, where as in my belief not being spanked and yelled at, yeild a much slower result.

 

[DaddyTwoTimes]

Wow this thread is almost why I joined the forum today. I actually came here to find people to fill out a survey on spanking and its effects or lack thereof.

To answer your main question though, I have thought about this, as I do give my girls a solid smack on the but or thigh when deserved, I believe 17 to be way to old for spankings. I would think no older than 12, depending on maturity (to agree with one of the first few replies). I continued to read and am relieved that you feel this man is not actually spanking a 17 year old girl just to get his rocks off.

 

[Bob]

Violent spanking (actual dropping of pants and hitting to cause pain) is arguably criminal. Swatting on the butt to catch a child's attention seems reasonable (I don't do it, but I don't think it's abuse). The moment the child is able to reason and isn't a simple minded toddler is when correcting with a physical bend should stop. I think spanking at 17 is indicative of a serious mental disorder on the part of the parent.

 

[Dagwood]

If I knew of any case where an adult male was hitting a 17-year-old girl, I would call child protection services. There's no way that this is appropriate. And as Dr. Phil would say, "How's it working for him so far?" The girl is already displaying the behaviors more typical to an abused child rather than a loved one. My guess is that she's pretty close to becoming a runaway.

On the general topic, I spanked my children on very rare occasions, and usually when safety was a concern when they were under 4-years-old. However, I don't think I would do it if I had things to do over again. Positive reinforcement, discussions and when warranted, removal of privileges are much better tools.

I would suggest this for parents of young children. When your child is well behaved - whether sitting and playing, drawing or whatever, go up and give them a hug and say something positive to them. Do this several times a day. My guess is that your need for discipline will go down by at least half.

 

[born2lovechildr]

Just a FYI Spanking is a a form of physical abuse no matter what age they are. Any open hand or bank hand is considered physical abuse.
We have legal guardianship with our 5yr grand daughter and sometimes we are at the end of our rope and my husband wants to just swat to get her attention but our papers say it is child abuse and we are not allowed to spank.

Anything I have read about spanking is child abuse.
No matter what, this father is abusing his daughter. Not any different if he was angry and spanking an older female.

 

[mom2many]

It isn't abuse, most states only have laws that say it is child abuse when an object is used.

From personal experience, most courts will order a no spanking clause when a child is placed in the custody of someone else to protect themselves from any later scrutiny should a child placed in protective custody be injured....not cause it is law. The loop hole in that is that usually those papers only state that the foster parents are not allowed to spank...not that no one else can. I know that from personal experience.

 

[AndresRob]

I grew up in the islands of (Panama) and having a father who was (RIP)Panamanian and a mother who is Cuban. Both my parents did not care if my brother,sister, and myself were 12 or 17 they still would have put their hands on us. As boys my father would punch my brother and I in the chest and told us to look in his eyes and tell him why we did whatever we did. It taught up a lot about respect and the outcome if whatever we did if it were spoke back to them or not doing what was required of us.

I have a daugther who is 2 1/2 years old and I don't spank her like that,but I teach her about what is right and wrong. If she does something wrong I will explain to her why daddy had to speak too her about this but I do spank her not hard but to know what could happen.

 

[born2lovechildr]

I'm not trying to tell anyone what is right and wrong. I did not mention that I have done a lot of reading on child abuse because my site is about child abuse. One of the abuses under the physical abuse is spanking.
So I did get the info on the guardianship papers but also in my extensive reading.
Like I said you have a right to your own opinion and I respect that.

 

[teenage_parent]

okay... obviously i haven't had to spank my child as she is barely 7 months. but this is something that interests me. i haven't made up my mind whether or not i should spank should the time come.

i honestly want to avoid spanking. so my question is... is there an "emotional spanking"? and if there is one, isn't it worse because it has some messed up psychological effect on the kid?

 

[TabascoNatalie]

well, spanking is YOUR CHOICE. personally, i haven't heard any LOGICAL argument for spanking, except attempts to justify ingnorance or lack of self-control.

on the other hand, spanking isn't the worst thing what parents can do.

i still recall, when my classmate's parents had cancelled his birthday party, because he got bad grades. and this kid kept saying "why they couldn't just have spanked me?"

 

[singledad]

Just a FYI Spanking is a a form of physical abuse no matter what age they are. Any open hand or bank hand is considered physical abuse.
...
Anything I have read about spanking is child abuse.

I disagree. The difference between spanking and child-abuse is in the intent. And yes, a child does know the intent.

My father was abusive - he did occasionally use objects to beat us with, but mostly it was just a slap here and a slap there. But those slaps cut to the bone because he made it clear that they were intended to teach us that we were worthless. I was also spanked at school - and mostly I deserved it. Even when I was spanked with wooden paddles or rods, etc, I was able to shrug it off as nothing important, and it didn't affect me at all (actually, it didn't teach me anything either, but that's a different story). The difference was that at school I knew that I was spanked because I did something wrong, and the spanking was intended to teach me discipline.

I actually get very frustrated when people try to draw the line between spanking and abuse, and they fixate on how many hits, what you hit with, with or without clothing, etc... as if such technicalities make any difference to the psychological effect of the spanking. It doesn't. All that matters is your attitude when you spank, and your intent.

I'm not trying to tell anyone what is right and wrong. I did not mention that I have done a lot of reading on child abuse because my site is about child abuse. One of the abuses under the physical abuse is spanking.

Again, its almost laughable how scientists and psychiatrists try to classify and box child abuse. It really isn't that simple, you know.

I don't spank my child, because I don't believe that it serves any purpose, and because I hope to teach her that no one but her has any rights to her body. Not because I believe that spanking is abuse.

 

[singledad]

okay... obviously i haven't had to spank my child as she is barely 7 months. but this is something that interests me. i haven't made up my mind whether or not i should spank should the time come.

i honestly want to avoid spanking. so my question is... is there an "emotional spanking"? and if there is one, isn't it worse because it has some messed up psychological effect on the kid?

I don't really know what you mean with "emotional spanking" but trying to punish a child with words or emotional manipulation is definitely dangerous ground. Words cut deeper, and stick much longer than a spanking.

 

[MomoJA]

okay... obviously i haven't had to spank my child as she is barely 7 months. but this is something that interests me. i haven't made up my mind whether or not i should spank should the time come.

i honestly want to avoid spanking. so my question is... is there an "emotional spanking"? and if there is one, isn't it worse because it has some messed up psychological effect on the kid?

It's great that you are thinking in terms of this already, though I would caution you against over-thinking it too much. As long as there is love, your intent is to guide and teach, and you are consistent and not overly emotional about how you approach it, you will not harm your child.

One thing I did wrong is that I expected too much. What I mean is that my child looked and seemed older than she was. She developed all of her motor skills and verbal skills early, and she was long and and relatively lean, and I was stupid, and I expected her to be able to understand things better than she could. For example, this week I have charge of my 1yo nephew. He is very cute and loves to try to press buttons. It seems to be a game to try to press the buttons on the DVR and for us to say, "Anh ah. No you don't." He smiles and claps his little hands when we do this. At that age, if my daughter did something like that, I am very ashamed to say that I understood it as defiance. I can't tell you how much I regret that.

You'll get a lot of advice as your child grows, and a lot of it may not seem to apply, such as my advice may not. But a lot of it will probably come from people like me who have learned from our mistakes too late to change what we did wrong. But please just listen and think about things. When my family finally saw my child again for the first time since she was 6 weeks old, they would say to me when I would discipline her, "She is only 19 months old." But I didn't listen. It wasn't until I watched my now 3yo grow that I realized that I had not treated my child like her age.

 

[TabascoNatalie]

some educational materials would really help. please read books and/or attend parenting courses. of course, the first child is always an experiment, but some knowledge about child development stages always helps to react calmly at such things, that others may see as an embarrassment. like these so called "terrible twos" or "three-year-old crisis".

 

[singledad]

As long as there is love, your intent is to guide and teach, and you are consistent and not overly emotional about how you approach it, you will not harm your child.

OK, that is much better advice than mine. As I've written above - what matters is your intent.

 

[Xero]

Spanking is not illegal, at least in America. It is perfectly acceptable in the law's eyes to use an open palm on a child's bottom as long as you don't leave marks etc. However, when a child is under the responsibility of the state in any way shape or form (legal custody agreements, foster care, etc) then the court will generally order that there is no physical punishment whatsoever, including spanking. My mom was a foster parent and it was not allowed to spank the foster kids. In a normal family situation however, spanking is legal.

That being said, I almost never spank my child and I am not a big fan of it at all. He has been spanked a couple of times in his life but it was always times where it was something very severe, or endangering to him. Maybe it still wasn't even the best choice, but as a parent I got scared and I didn't know what to do and that was what happened. Its been a long time and I don't know that I'll really ever need it again. I'm always learning new ways of resolving things.

Anyway, there are forms of psychological abuse of course. You just need to get down on their level, explain things to them eye to eye in a stern but caring manner. I personally use time out if I need to, although most of the time verbal warnings/explanations/reminders etc tend to work for DS. Sometimes he'll go a month without ever needing to be in timeout. I think that communication and understanding is KEY.

MomoJa - Don't feel bad, I have had that problem with myself involving DS too. Sometimes its so EASY to expect too much of him because of how smart he seems to me. His level of verbal communication is WAY up there and that confuses me into thinking that he understands a lot more than he does. So when he does typical 3 year old stuff sometimes I feel like he should know better, but no he really shouldn't. I check myself all the time though and I'll remind myself that he's only 3 and what is and isn't normal, and just because he can say everything doesn't mean that he can understand everything or knows how to behave in every situation. I even end up apologizing to him sometimes. Nobody is perfect!