Hey jrrsmom...it seems like you are stuck in a hard place...
Now don't feel guilty about wanting to leave...you won't be any help to raising your daughter if you can't think straight with all this drama in your life. Also, reguardless of how old ANYONE is, they FEEL tension and if mommy is tense and angry or sad all the time, they pick that up in a heartbeat. Mind you, your daughter probably can't vocalize what she feels like a 5, 10, 15, 25 year old, but she can still sense it. If your husband hasn't done anything, then no offense, you're supposed to be his wife, not his mother. If he can't pick himself up and get help, then again, no offense, that's his decision not yours. Assuming he is a functioning adult that doesn't need to have his diapers changed or be force feed, then he should have the balls to do something. People like that are used to other people picking up their shit, and that's a priviledge for the very young and very old...As for you leaving?...boot him out!!! Either that, or set him up in the basement or something...treat him like a roomate...that is if you don't want to leave yet because of your daughter's bday and all...
He's got to get some serious help because if he wants to have an active role in your daughter's life, you don't want to give her the example of her "main male influence" as some lazy, using, procastinating man...
Show him you mean business and be firm with him...he probably puts it off for "tomorrow, next week, next year" because most likely his parents and now you has never reinforced that so for him obviously he sees it as idle threats that will never materialize...
I send big hugs and I'll have a stiff drink for ya!